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This week in completely made up horoscopes

Compiled by The Western Howl Staff

Aries 3/21-4/19

All quarantine has taught me is that I’m a procrastinating disaster hamster.

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Listen, I’m just trying to get through the day.

Gemini 5/21-6/20

Now that quarantine has completely wrecked your sleep schedule, you can now hear your neighbors drag racing their cars at 4 a.m. What a time to be alive.

Cancer 6/21-7/22


Leo 7/23-8/22

I can’t think of anything.

Virgo 8/23-9/22

.enitnarauq fo derit os m’I

Libra 9/23-10/22


Scorpio 10/23-11/21

Have you tried just, making banana bread?

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Nygel Ian is pretty cool.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Asdfghjkl;’ ?

Aquarius 1/20-2/18

Keeping it classy in these week-long pjs

Pisces 2/19-3/20