This week in completely made up horoscopes

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[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] Everyone else may be cold, but you’re the smart one staying warm because you still haven’t put your Christmas sweaters away yet. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] Sorry the stars abandoned you for so long. We thought you’d be okay on your own, but I guess not. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] The stars predict that you will come across a large sum of money this week. Like 50 or 60 cents or something. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] What did you do without me? Telling you what to expect from your life every week? Maybe that’s what I was telling you… [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] The Kool-Aid Man has some beef with chicken strips. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] Ok if we don’t get at least one more snow day this term the stars will literally throw a fit. Not cool, weather. Not cool. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] Sorry, the stars are closed today due to snow. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] Burn it down, Scorpio. BURN IT DOWN. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] You can sleep when you’re dead, Sagittarius. Deal with it. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] SNOW! AHHHHHH!!11!!1! [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] I’m sorry, the stars are currently too busy to deal with your problems… please leave your message after the beep. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] A bean walks into a room. It’s actually a cat. Interesting. Don’t judge a word by its letterS, Y’ALL. [/fruitful_tab]