By:Katrina Penaflor 
managing editor

Last Tuesday campus was in shock when a rampant group of angry squirrels took over a medium-sized conference room in Valsetz dining hall.

“Nobody really knows what point they are trying to make. Or why they believe they have the right to do what they’re doing. They just keep pointing at the ground and stomping their feet,” said a faculty member who was monitoring the incident.

“I’m worried,” said onlooker Marissa Barrer, who may or may not be a student at Western (I forgot to ask.) “I’m pretty sure the max capacity for that room is like 35. I overheard someone saying there were 40 squirrels in there. That’s five over the limit.”

The university quickly posted a message on their website stating that due to these events, campus would be delayed until noon. They also urged students to stay away from any potentially dangerous areas on campus.

Many students were disappointed, hoping for a full day off.

So far the only people who have been able to breech the aggressively unarmed squirrels were two theater arts majors. They managed to dress and act like squirrels in such a convincing manor that the group welcomed them into the room with open arms.

The students were sent in an attempt to communicate with the squirrels and settle the situation.

“Yeah, that didn’t work,” said Richard, one of the students in disguise. “No one from the militia talked to us. I’m not even sure they really knew what they were going to do next.”

Linda, who accompanied Richard, said, “I’ve been working on a squirrel-hostage-situation monologue for weeks, it was sheer fate that this opportunity came to me at this moment. My performance today, I dare say, is some of my best work.”

In a recent turn of events, an anonymous note, that is believed to be from the squirrels, was delivered via carrier pigeon to Monmouth Police reading “Send snacks. Preferably Planter’s brand honey-roasted cashews.”

A secretary at the police station said she was temporarily taken aback by the literacy of the squirrels. “They didn’t strike me as the most educated animals out there, but after reading this I’m afraid of what they could be capable of.”

For any questions or concerns regarding recent updates of the situation please contact TheseAreNotRealEvents@gmail.com or follow my updates on Twitter @EntirelyFictionalNews