Caity Healy | Lifestyle Editor
While there has never been a time in my life where I’ve found it enjoyable to get into an argument with a significant other, I have noticed a pattern — I either leave the conflict feeling absolutely horrible, or I leave with a feeling of relief and optimism. Obviously, I prefer the latter. As much as I hate conflict with the person I love, it’s important to note that healthy and fair disputes are a necessary component to a flourishing relationship.
Healthy, fair fights can lead to many benefits that you wouldn’t necessarily realize. The fact is that all couples argue. It’s unavoidable to spend so much time with someone and not find yourself bickering over something. However, successful couples disagree differently.
According to Dr. Aislinn Addington, director of Abby’s House, a healthy argument means “listening to each other and respecting each others needs. If at the end, you both move forward, then that is great.”
Some other tips to keep your disagreements healthy include not running from an argument. If something is bothering you, and you know it will continue to bother you, it needs to be said. While it may be difficult and probably uncomfortable, it’s necessary that both partners are included and in the loop when it comes to important topics. Speak your mind.
Remember that you are a team. You are in your relationship together, and keeping that thought in the back of your head during an argument can help you remember that you chose to be with this person for a reason. Don’t let a dispute keep you from seeing that.
The benefits to a clean, healthy argument are more extensive than you’d think. Opening up to each other can create a sense of trust. Letting a partner know that you trust them enough to let them see your true feelings will ultimately make them feel more included and accepted. Also, holding things in will cause damage to your relationship. Talking about things early on will stop it from piling on and weighing even heavier on your shoulders.
Healthy conflict is a way for you to grow as a couple. Look at a fair dispute as an opportunity to progress together and become intimate in a way you hadn’t been before. With all this being said, while a healthy fight is incredibly beneficial, it’s important to know the difference between a fair fight and an unhealthy one.
“Look for patterns. If you’re clear with your needs and your partner chooses to disregard that, that’s unhealthy,” Dr. Addington commented. “Having the same fight over and over again, or if it escalates is something to watch out for.” Fighting just to fight versus fighting for the sake of a resolution is another thing to look for. If you feel like you aren’t being heard and are simply talking to no one, this is a bad sign and an indicator of an unhealthy relationship.
Any fight that turns personal, where your partner begins making jabs at you as a person rather than something you did to hurt them, is unhealthy. “Sometimes it starts with put-downs and name calling,” Addington added, “and it generally becomes something worse over time.” Watch out for this, and make sure you aren’t doing it yourself.
And lastly, of course, any type of abusive argument or fight is incredibly dangerous and a huge red flag. Do not take this lightly. Whether it be physical, emotional, verbal or mental, it is never okay. If you find yourself in a situation like this, know that there are people you can talk to. Abby’s House in the Werner University Center offers services for people experiencing domestic and dating violence. You can also call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-3224.
Contact the author at chealy16@wou.edu
Photo by: Caity Healy
