Aries 3/21-4/19
Only Drake knows.

Taurus 4/20-5/20
I spoke with Jupiter and she told me to pass this info along; go on and explore your sexuality with that kid from Bio that you keep eyein’.

Gemini 5/21-6/20
On Friday, keep looking in the mirror. Half of your eyebrow (because I know you always do your eyebrows) will wipe off. Be warned. No one is going to speak up about it, Gemini, that’s why I’m warning you.

Cancer 6/21-7/22
Ever swim in a pool full of adorable Corgis? No? That’s about to change this week, Cancer.

Leo 7/23-8/22
It’s not herpes, Leo. Congrats!

Virgo 8/23-9/22
Virgo, I predict good fortune on the horizon. Go to a bar this weekend and start a tab, the bartender will accidentally put all your drinks on another person’s. Sucks for them, but a night of free drinks for you!

Libra 9/23-10/22
Password to your ex’s phone: 5331.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
Go ahead, Scorpio, celebrate taco Tuesday- you’ll regret it immediately.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
I’m predicting a literal mental break down for you this week, Sagittarius, over the fact that you can’t get your eyeliner in check. Prepare for this. I prescribe a fat of bottle of wine. (For the 21 and over crowd. Or, like, drink Martinelli’s and pretend it’s champagne if you’re of the younger variety.)

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
With child.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
Not really advice, Aquarius, but I’m sensing you need to be salty. Make dinner plans with all the people you hate and cancel 15 minutes prior.

Pisces 2/19-3/20
Go to Yang’s, order an extra side of cabbage, and see what happens.