Aries 3/21-4/19
You are now named Albert. Every single last one of you, Aries. Sorry, It’s written in the stars.

Taurus 4/20-5/20
Two tickets to Hamilton are in your future, Taurus … or is it two tickets to Hamlet at the local community theatre? I can’t quite remember.

Gemini 5/21-6/20
The answer to question number four on your test on Tuesday is B.

Cancer 6/21-7/22
Mango. All you Cancers out there know exactly what I’m talking about.

Leo 7/23-8/22
This is the phone number to call, 541-613-9854. Ask for Rhonda and she’ll transfer you to William.

Virgo 8/23-9/22
Vestibulum pretium avia misit vos tabellariorum septimana.

Libra 9/23-10/22
Stop putting mayonnaise on everything, Libra. That’s gross.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
I’ve set up a blind date for you, Scorpio. Meet this mystery woman named Brianna at the gazebo at the park on Main St. on Wednesday, April 13. Only single attractive men, please.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
Sagittarius, looks like Peaches will arrive in your yard at 7:33 p.m. this Saturday. Do not miss this.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
I just ordered you a shirt that says “bun in the oven.” And, yes, beautiful, talented fake astrologers like myself do have Amazon Prime accounts, so it will be arriving shortly.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
Looks like a full moon is approaching this weekend, Aquarius. But that literally has nothing to do with the poor fortune I’m sending your way. You’re going to run into your ex-girlfriend this weekend. Be sure to prepare a quick speech of all things going right in your life.

Pisces 2/19-3/20
You will finally be rewarded for being a trash girl, Pisces. And it’s about damn time.