Aries 3/21-4/19
I’ve got a special treat for you this week, Aries. Orange mocha frappuccinos!

Taurus 4/20-5/20
There is a very adorable caterpillar in your pocket.

Gemini 5/21-6/20
The moons be dancin’ and singin’ in your favor, Gemini. You will not be hungover on May 14.

Cancer 6/21-7/22
My recommendation for you, Cancer, is to only buy Vlasic brand pickles from here on out.

Leo 7/23-8/22
Piff the magic dragon.

Virgo 8/23-9/22
You think you’re an Evian, Virgo, but you’re really more like a Dasani or an off-brand generic bottle of water.

Libra 9/23-10/22
Libra, the moon told me she burned her toast this morning and the char looked just like your face.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
You will be attacked by a garbage squirrel in front of the WUC. Totally unavoidable.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
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Capricorn 12/22-1/19
A falcon will fly into your window at 5 p.m. this Sunday. Her name is Emma and she will be glorious.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
All Aquarians remind me of my uncle Rodger. Cool guy.

Pisces 2/19-3/20
It was Vanessa Hudgens. She did it.