Aries 3/21-4/19
Aries, the tattoo you just got on your left leg is spelled wrong. Check it, double check it, and show it to a friend over 30. I’m totally right.

Taurus 4/20-5/20
Your astrological sign has now been changed to Libra. Please refer to the horoscope below.

Gemini 5/21-6/20
Hop on the fourth bus headed to Dallas on May 3 at the stop right in front of the WUC. Proceed to the left side of the aisle and sit seven rows back. Look under the seat for your next instructions.

Cancer 6/21-7/22
Spill the tea, Cancer. I want to hear all the juicy details about your encounter with the campus dreamboat.

Leo 7/23-8/22
You’re lookin’ like a flavor blasted, xtra cheddar Goldfish cracker this morning, Leo. Use this to your advantage.

Virgo 8/23-9/22
You will be delivered one of those glorious sushi burritos tomorrow by a close friend.

Libra 9/23-10/22
You’ll wake up in a tub of vegan marshmallow cream tomorrow, Libra. What does this mean? Is it a euphemism? Is it the hot new slang the teens are saying? Just embrace it.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
When you hear the song “Milkshake” by Kelis playing within the next week, jump far to your right. You will narrowly miss getting hit by a ceiling tile. You’re welcome.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
Java Crew’s blended chai lattes are straight crack. Is this a horoscope? No, but I needed a place to post this statement.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
If you promise to name your baby after me, I’ll give you a really good, non-pregnancy related horoscope next week, Capricorn.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
Unironic plaid.

Pisces 2/19-3/20
John Stamos is the man who has been following you.