Mount Hood

This week in entirely made up horoscopes….

The Signs as houseplants

Aries: Bird of paradise

Taurus: Poinsettia 

Gemini: a dead fern

Cancer: a dying cactus with a singular pink flower 

Leo: Marble Monstera

Virgo: a fake houseplant

Libra: English Ivy

Scorpio: Snake plant

Sagittarius: String of pearls

Capricorn: Neon Pothos

Aquarius: a spider plant that has grown out of control

Pisces: Anthurium

The signs as Spotify playlists

The Signs as Spotify playlists

Aries: 0 patience, 100% hits

Taurus: Staring at the ceiling at 3 am with a bit of existential dread

Gemini: midwestern emo with a bit of theatre kid

Cancer: Fiona Apple ranked in order of rage. 

Leo: Early 2000s club music

Virgo: music to listen to if you hate yourself

Libra: music i would play for you if we were two small bugs watching the sunset

Scorpio: Songs to romance Astarion to

Sagittarius: Peppermint Patty, the Bi-icon you are

Capricorn: it’s 2012, you’re trying on jeans in the fitting room, they don’t fit, the walls are closing in

Aquarius: Impromptu drive to the coast

Pisces: Psych rock for finger painting

This week in entirely made-up horoscopes…

The Signs’ New Year’s resolutions

Aries: Try to listen better… only if everyone agrees I’m right first

Taurus: Actually socialize

Gemini: become a hotter but worse person

Cancer: get. it. together.  

Leo: Doesn’t even bother making any, because there is no possible way to be more perfect

Virgo: touch grass

Libra: Embracing that work life balance

Scorpio: collect more shiny things

Sagittarius: global domination

Capricorn: deciding next year’s resolution

Aquarius: Stop spending over $100 at Trader Joe’s

Pisces: Becoming the best version of myself

This week in entirely made up horoscopes…

The Signs over Winter Break:

Aries: Spends their life savings on presents

Taurus: Makes far too many baked goods

Gemini: lowkey the grinch

Cancer: tangled in Christmas lights 🙁  

Leo: Hitting the slopes

Virgo: finally gonna write that book (not really)

Libra: in a meat coma   

Scorpio: Ho ho ho-ing it up

Sagittarius: getting turnt AF

Capricorn: break? never heard of her 

Aquarius: Silently judging all of the presents

Pisces: sleeping until noon every day 

This week in entirely made-up horoscopes….

What the Signs bring to Thanksgiving

Aries: Literally everything

Taurus: Turducken

Gemini: half a bottle of wine and store-bought potato salad

Cancer: The booze 

Leo: The drama

Virgo: a really good but weird dessert nobody’s ever had before

Libra: Burnt Mac and cheese  

Scorpio: A ham encased in jell-o

Sagittarius: The good brownies 😉

Capricorn: Bear ribs

Aquarius: Their own experimental version of green bean casserole

Pisces: Half-eaten pumpkin pie

This week in entirely made-up horoscopes…

The Signs as things you’d leave in an Uber

Aries: a Spongebob golf ball

Taurus: The phone number of their enemy

Gemini: intentionally leaves behind trash they didn’t want to take care of

Cancer: phone. 

Leo: their friends

Virgo: a pair of shoes

Libra: Used hotdog wrapper with dried mustard  

Scorpio: Your dignity

Sagittarius: Chapstick

Capricorn: Spends ten minutes checking they didn’t forget anything

Aquarius: All of their luggage

Pisces: A CD of “Weird Al” Yankovic

This week in entirely made-up horoscopes…

The signs while playing Monopoly

Aries: Gets into a fight with the Sagittarius

Taurus: Pretends to not know what’s going on, but is actually weirdly good

Gemini: “Yahtzee!”

Cancer: Cheats their way to winning

Leo: still deciding which piece to use because they don’t want the others to feel bad

Virgo: unbelievably rich

Libra: Takes jail wayyyy too seriously  

Scorpio: eats the dice when they don’t get the roll they want

Sagittarius: Fistfighting everyone for the Dog piece

Capricorn: Obsesses over the relative value of the color groups

Aquarius: Yells whenever any other player does anything

Pisces: Falls asleep 

This week in entirely made up horoscopes

The Signs in High School

Aries: The class clown

Taurus: Major procrastinator that somehow has a 4.0

Gemini: the kid nobody likes

Cancer: the “high and mighty” football player

Leo: Cheer Captain

Virgo: band kid for lyfe

Libra: Friends with everyone, best friends with no one

Scorpio: That one goth that’s weirdly good at sports

Sagittarius: Naruto running down the halls

Capricorn: bro that plays music out loud down the hall

Aquarius: Runs for class president every year and never makes it

Pisces: Scene kid who only takes art electives

This week in entirely made up horoscopes…

The Signs’ Halloween Costumes

Aries: Lady Gaga dressing up as Lady Gaga

Taurus: The Queen of Hearts

Gemini: probably some version of Chappell Roan

Cancer: An inflatable shark costume

Leo: Birthday suit

Virgo: Knight armor that they smithed themselves

Libra: The Lorax who in fact speaks for the trees 

Scorpio: A dark, brooding shadow daddy

Sagittarius: Peter Pan because they’ll never grow up

Capricorn: Octavius from Night at the Museum

Aquarius: Jedediah from Night at the Museum 

Pisces: A hippy grandma that smells like pee

This week in entirely made-up horoscopes…

The Signs responding to a 2 A.M. “you up?” text

Aries: Notification wakes them up, leaves it on read

Taurus: Is up watching TikTok but doesn’t answer

Gemini: too busy stealing stop signs to respond

Cancer: “I’m already here… check the closet ;)” 

Leo: No.

Virgo: definitely awake doing their seasonal midnight deep-clean

Libra: Yep playing minecraft  

Scorpio: “only if you agree to be my sacrifice”

Sagittarius: can’t answer because they lost their phone somewhere

Capricorn: phone is on DND

Aquarius: The one who sends the “you up” text

Pisces: Nope avoids that completely

This week in entirely made up horoscopes…

This signs past life:

Aries: A war leader who forced their way into the front line.

Taurus: Chef of a Mediterranean/Canadian fusion restaurant.

Gemini: Magician who accidentally sets the stage on fire. 

Cancer: A Shark whose pescetarian  

Leo: A motivational speaker who is not so motivating.

Virgo: Chemist who is trying to morph an Oreo and a hotdog.  

Libra: Detective who steals the food from the crime scenes. 

Scorpio: Professional rock thrower.

Sagittarius: Celebrity who said the wrong thing in an interview and got canceled for it.

Capricorn: A black cat named Okra.

Aquarius: An architect who adds pointless elevators to every one-story building.

Pisces: Angry poet who writes about past relationships when they were the problem.  

This week in entirely made up horoscopes

The Signs in a horror movie:

Aries: Decides to argue with the killer instead of trying to escape

Taurus: Dies while leaving their hiding spot to find a snack

Gemini: killed mid-yap

Cancer: frat bro who dresses up as the killer to scare people

Leo: Sacrifices friend to save themself

Virgo: survives, but at what cost?

Libra: The geek that thinks they’re smarter than everyone 

Scorpio: Befriends the killer

Sagittarius: The dumb cheerleader that dies first

Capricorn: The real killer

Aquarius: Survives by making a flamethrower out of perfume and a lighter

Pisces: The supposed killer 

Ranking TikTok Communities

The Western Howl Staff

  • Cottagecore
  • Skater TikTok
  • Sword TikTok
  • LGBT TIkTok
  • ATLA TikTok
  • Twilight TikTok
  • BLM TikTok
  • Goblincore 

A

  • Art TikTok
  • Cosplay TikTok
  • Aesthetic TikTok
  • Home Decor TikTok
  • Teacher TikTok
  • Goth TikTok
  • Jello TikTok
  • Welding TikTok

B

  • Bean TikTok
  • DIY TikTok
  • Booktok
  • Witch TikTok
  • Skincare TikTok
  • Small House TikTok
  • Birb TikTok
  • Rollerskating TikTok

C

  • Alt TIkTok
  • Foraging TikTok
  • Cursed TikTok
  • Healing TikTok
  • Cow TikTok
  • Croc tok
  • Transition TikTok

D

  • Furry TikTok
  • Thrifting TikTok
  • DND TikTok
  • Musical TikTok
  • Grass TikTok

F

  • Inspiration TikTok
  • Math TikTok
  • Fitness TikTok
  • Conservative TikTok
  • Astrology TikTok
  • Hamilton TikTok

TRASH CAN

  • Straight TikTok
  • Author TikTok
  • Weeb TikTok
  • Thirst Trap TikTok
  • Criminal TikTok
  • Mafia TikTok
  • POV’s

This week in entirely made up horoscopes…

The signs and their mascots

Aries: trembling chihuahua

Taurus: shark 🙂 

Gemini: a very two-faced fox

Cancer: KILLER whale 

Leo: Lion 

Virgo: Snapping turtle 

Libra: ugly wolfie from the 90s 

Scorpio: black cat named Okra 

Sagittarius: elvis presley impersonator  

Capricorn: Oscar the Grouch

Aquarius: octopus 

Pisces: Shellsea from fishhooks 

This week in entirely made up horoscopes

The Signs’ favorite class

Aries: philosophy, so I can say my inner thoughts and still sound smart

Taurus: Lunch hour 

Gemini: animal psychology because it’s cooler than regular psychology

Cancer: nap time… like in preschool 

Leo: recess!

Virgo: gender studies

Libra: art history…

Scorpio: the one your mom teaches

Sagittarius: Sex Ed

Capricorn: Cliterature

Aquarius: psychology so I can finally understand what’s wrong with me

Pisces: Music 

Humor: The eternal debate: do cats have elbows or knees?

Chrys Weedon | Entertainment Editor

CATS HAVE ELBOWS AND KNEES

Cats are quadrupeds, meaning they walk on all four limbs. Some mistaken people would argue that because they have four legs, cats have four knees. This, however, is not an anatomic fact.

Bridget Parker, a senior studying biology with an zoology emphasis and an intern at Wildlife Safari specializing in big cats, knows that cats have elbows.

“Cats have two sets of joints in their forelimbs: an ankle and an elbow. Their ankle is just above their toes and are fairly similar to human wrists. The second joint is their elbow and is located about midway up their forelimb,” said Parker.

A more in-depth look that the anatomy of feline limbs — discussed on pets.thenest.com — shows that they have two different types of joints: hinge joints and condylar joints. Hinge joints are like human elbows and ankles, and condylar joints are similar to human knees. Cat’s elbow and knee joints are located further up on their limbs than human limbs. Felines have a elbow-like hinge joint on each front limb and a condylar knee-like joint on each back limb. This means that a cat has two elbows and two knees. Doctor of Veterinary Medicine Greg Martinez even acknowledges that cats have elbows in his videos on YouTube.

Miseducated people may also say that since the front limbs bend in the same direction as the back limbs, they must all be the same kind of joint. These people are mistaken. What looks like the knee on the lower hind limbs of a feline are actually the tops of their elongated feet. Their actual knees are located closer to the hips. Therefore, the hind leg knee joint bends a different way than the front limb elbow joint.

Just because cats have four legs does not automatically mean that they have four knees — this would mean that each limb had the same kind of joint. This is simply and scientifically not true. Furthermore, cats have patellas, or kneecaps, on their hind legs. They do not have kneecaps on their front legs. This clearly proves that cats have two elbows and two knees.

Contact the author at cweedon16@wou.edu

 

Ashlynn Norton | Photo Editor

CATS ONLY HAVE KNEES

When you look at a cat, a lot of things come to mind. Such as “ball of anger”, “pure evil”, and “the furry animal that is cute, but could shred you to pieces” — just to name a few. There are many things about them that are odd. Cats could even have their own conspiracy theories centered around them because everything related to them is questionable.

It wasn’t long ago when I came to the profound conclusion that cats in fact don’t have elbows, and only have knees. When you watch a cat walk, their legs all bend in the same direction. If you look at a human, their knees and elbows bend in different directions. So who is to say that cats have both knees and elbows?

In my scientific research and opinion (from watching my cat) feline creatures only have knees. I mean, who just looks at a cat and says, “Yeah, that animal has elbows”? When I look at a cat, their appendages all appear to be knees. If you think of a knee as a weight bearing joint, then that proves my point of cats only having knees, instead of having both elbows and knees. People don’t call cat appendages “arms”, they’re called legs, and legs have knees. Therefore, again, CATS ONLY HAVE KNEES. It’s like arguing about cereal being a soup, or whether or not Lighting McQueen has car insurance or life insurance.

People who like to flex their researching skills would quote a person who is studying biology, or even veterinarians who post on YouTube. They would use quotes from these people who claim that cats have elbows, clearly spreading FALSE INFORMATION. We all know that false news is the worst.

It makes no sense, but also complete sense at the same time. I just have this deep gut feeling from being a “cat expert” (I have three cats, so I can give myself that title) that cats only have knees. You wouldn’t question a mathematician when they say that one plus one equals two. So why would you question me, the cat expert?

Contact the author at anorton17@wou.edu

 

 

Illustrations by Rachel Hetzel

This week in totally made up horoscopes

The Signs as cartoon characters

Aries: stewie griffin

Taurus: kenny mccormick

Gemini: the street rat known as Aladdin

Cancer: Edd aka double D

Leo: Simba 

Virgo: mordecai regular show

Libra: porky pig 

Scorpio: arnold perlstein (look it up)

Sagittarius: bojack horseman 

Capricorn: Dipper Pines because we’re so neurotic

Aquarius: oswald the octopus

Pisces: silvermist

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The signs if they were bugs:

Aries: a large wet Western worm

Taurus: dragonfly

Gemini: firefly in a jar

Cancer: Semi-aggressive mantis staring into your soul, test me… 

Leo: C–ty little moth

Virgo: Honey bee

Libra: Pink sticky note with eight googly eyes on it

Scorpio: Atlas Moth due to their 13” wingspan, duh

Sagittarius: Homosexual Cicada

Capricorn: That one worm in Brazil that crawls up urethras

Aquarius: WOU’s trash squirells 

Pisces: Morpho butterfly like the dude from The Matrix  

This week in entirely made up horoscopes

The signs watch a horror movie

Aries: imagining themselves as the final girl

Taurus: ‘This is so dumb’

Gemini: laughing at the “scary” parts

Cancer: passed out after the first 5 minutes 

Leo: telling everyone they could survive each scenario

Virgo: attracted to the villain

Libra: disgusted by the gore but overall unfazed

Scorpio: oddly fascinated (don’t question it)

Sagittarius: closed my eyes during “Jurassic Park”

Capricorn: complaining about all the inaccuracies in the gore

Aquarius: unbothered- bring them something scarier

Pisces: thinking of their serial killer name  

This week in completely made up horoscopes

What are the signs bringing to the picnic?

Aries: cream cheese and cucumber finger sandwiches 🙂

Taurus: the ‘special’ brownies.

Gemini: nothing but a fighting spirit against pollen

Cancer: extra strong allergy meds 

Leo: bringing the char-cootcherie board

Virgo: A whole gallon of kombucha 

Libra: The most elaborate and beautiful charcuterie board ever created (you can’t eat it unless they take pictures of it first)

Scorpio: your mother.

Sagittarius: strawberry lemonade and the Advil

Capricorn: enough caffeine to kill a small horse

Aquarius: all the chips

Pisces: wine