Mount Hood

Death by degree

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By: Conner Williams
Editor-in-Chief

The disease is spreading at an alarming rate. Nearly 25 percent of all college students have become infected and top-level scientists have yet to develop a cure. Students across the country are exhibiting frightening symptoms, and there doesn’t appear to be any way to treat them.

This terrifying disease is not one that has appeared in the major news headlines; it’s not Ebola or the swine flu, it’s something much more infectious and threatening.

Senioritis.

I know, just seeing the word makes me shudder too. In fact, just writing this very account has caused my symptoms to worsen even more; I’ve had to stop and put my face in my hands in defeat at least a dozen times. That’s right, I am a victim of senioritis, and my case might be one of the worst I’ve seen.

Senioritis causes extreme feelings of laziness, tardiness (and, often times, complete absence altogether), insomnia and/or lethargy, sudden alcohol overconsumption, and a complete lack of motivation. The only thing that keeps these symptoms from keeping one completely incapacitated is the debilitating fear of not receiving his or her degree in time, and even that is becoming less and less of a motivating factor.

In all seriousness though, it’s starting to become a serious problem for me. In a completely honest and conservative estimate, I’ve probably skipped 60 percent of my classes this quarter. Yeah, I get it, I’m a bad student. Whatever. Look, this isn’t a personal shot at my professors (if you’re reading this, know that I think you’re awesome and the work you do is amazing), I just really don’t find much use from going to class. In the increasingly technologically-driven world our educational system thrives in, I don’t see the need to go to class when all materials and information are provided for me online. I simply can’t handle sitting through lectures anymore.

This is something that I think is a major flaw in our education system. To me, there’s a big difference between gaining an education and going to school. I don’t think the two go hand-in-hand. I’ll be completely honest: I despise school. I don’t believe that the traditional classroom setting is an optimal learning environment, at least for me. I don’t learn well by sitting there listening to someone 30 years my senior talking in monotone to me (Bueller … Bueller …). I’ll pass. I’d rather just teach myself the material in the comfort of my own home.

Not to mention the fact that I have to take classes that have absolutely nothing to do with my career just so that I can get a “well-rounded” liberal arts education (aka: keep students in school longer and suck more money out of them), I just dislike going to class. Students have almost zero input for course curricula and are forced to complete arbitrarily important assignments that usually don’t do much for them; it’s simply one going through the motions so that a professor can have something to grade and then assign a subjective value to a student. And, once again, this is not a shot at my instructors; it’s a shot at our education system as a whole.

I think this is the root of my senioritis: a lack of a reason to care. Yes, I know my education is important, and I do take it seriously for the most part. But really, why should I care about half the stuff I’m taught? I’m going to have to be trained to do whatever job I end up with anyways, so what’s the point of learning all of this information that I’m just going to forget over spring break?

I think Peter Gibbons from “Office Space” said it best: “It’s not that I’m lazy, it’s that I just don’t care.” So, I ask you, my faithful readers, why should I care? If you feel the need to berate/celebrate my claims, please contact me.

Contact the author at journaleditor@wou.edu or follow on Twitter @journalEIC

A letter from Donald Trump’s penis

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By: Katrina Penaflor
Staff Writer

It’s been a big week for me. I mean, huge.

I’ll begin by saying hello. My twitter followers have nearly tripled in the last four days on account of this penis-gate and, as a very busy penis, I couldn’t be more thrilled.

Let me start with my weekly penis recap. This is super important for me as I often have many things to discuss, but I feel like now I have the ideal platform for people to willingly listen.

First off, did you notice Donald has been wearing slightly shorter ties? I have reason to believe this is to put me back in the spotlight.

Second, hello Marco Rubio, you hater. I heard what you had to say about Donald’s hands, and as someone who is very closely acquainted with both his hands I have to say they also are huge. P.S. Donald told me you wear a wig.

Third, have you noticed how beautiful Melania looks? How she’s always smiling? Yeah, you’re welcome.

Fourth, back to Marco Rubio, notice how he couldn’t even say the word penis? How can you vote for a guy who doesn’t say the word penis? I mean, come on.

Also, I wanted to discuss that aside from the very important job of being Donald Trump’s penis, I’m also his fact checker, chief advisor, and Twitter writer on Thursdays.

Remember his idea to build the wall? Yeah, he asked me about it and I said, “Erect it, definitely. Make it the biggest, thickest wall possible.”

Remember everything he’s ever said during every debate? Yup, those points went straight through me first.

Remember how he always calls people a loser on Twitter? Well, that wasn’t me because I think calling people a loser is mean, but I definitely once tweeted a complaint about how short Marco Rubio is.

Oh, and how can I forget, I co-authored “The Art of the Deal” with Donald. Greatest business book of all time. Seriously, bring me a copy and I’ll be happy to sign it for you.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a meeting with a Mr. Christie at four.

Contact the author at kpenaflor@wou.edu or on Twitter @journalkatrina

Horoscopes

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Aries 3/21-4/19
Oh, Aries, even though you’re super nice and you’ve done nothing but praise the universe this week, I have a bad horoscope for you. Totally unavoidable, but you will step on a Lego tomorrow. I’M SORRY.

Taurus 4/20-5/20
I know that failed test has you super bummed out, Taurus. But cheer up, an unexpected visitor will stop by this weekend, and bonus, they’re super sexy.

Gemini 5/21-6/20
Remember last week, Gemini, when I asked you to bring $50 to the offices of The Journal? Yeah, I’m still waiting on that. And if you’re a new reader and missed last week’s horoscope, bring $50 to our office, ask for Katrina.

Cancer 6/21-7/22
Major ED this month, Cancer. Yikes.

Leo 7/23-8/22
Leo, you had a rough week with all my predicted coffee shop drama. I’m here to help you out. A $50 Starbucks card resides at this location 35.6833° N, 139.6833° E

Virgo 8/23-9/22
I don’t have a fortune for you this week, Virgo. The moons just ain’t alignin.’ So instead I’ll recommend one of my favorite reality shows. Go watch “Vanderpump Rules” it’ll turn your week around.

Libra 9/23-10/22
6, 33, 21, 2, 17, 45

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
For all your good deeds this week, Scorpio, I have a very special fortune for you. Despite what you’ve been led to believe, and question, Jon Snow is not dead. You’re welcome.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
Ah, Sagittarius, such a gentle soul. And for that I will tell you that never again will you be charged for extra guacamole. Bless.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
Still pregnant.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
Not really a fortune, but I’ve just got word from the universe that every single Aquarius has hands larger than Donald Trump’s so … congrats?

Pisces 2/19-3/20
Go buy a wedding dress, or tuxedo, or whatever on earth you want to wear because Leonardo DiCaprio will marry you on 5/21.

Campus Squirrels Found Dealing Heroin

Some of Western’s furry friends were recently discovered to be furry fiends Thursday afternoon when an immense underground substance-trafficking operation was uncovered in the garbage receptacle outside Campbell Hall.

Monmouth police apprehended 169 squirrels in a bust orchestrated by Monmouth Police Chief Darrell Tallen. Three squirrels were killed in the raid after they fired on officers with assault weaponry. Two were killed by gunshot wounds and the third was crushed when a pallet of that sweet, sweet brown sugar collapsed on top of him. The Journal could not reach any of them for comment.

Discovered in the (estimated) 3,000 sq. ft. makeshift warehouse/processing plant were several dozen pallets holding almost a ton (2000 lbs.) of “horse as pure as the driven snow,” according to Doof Trooply, Intrepid Reporter, who managed to sample some of the squirrels’ product. Also seized was an amount of cash totaling 1.6 million dollars in bundles of $2000, only two of which he was able to make off with before he was noticed.

“Fuzzball” Malone, squirrel kingpin, was quoted as making cute nibbling noises and tiny, giggly squeaks as he waited for processing at the police station; these utterances were interpreted to be lazy “Breaking Bad” references. He declined to comment on whether or not he knew that Breaking Bad was about meth rather than heroin, so The Journal is forced to assume he did not.

Malone was once before arrested in connection with a series of hits put on the local opossum community, known as a hotbed of all kinds of illegal activity, though mostly prostitution. He escaped his enclosure at Oregon State Penitentiary early last year. He is expected to begin serving a life sentence in solitary confinement later this month.

“We don’t really know how to sentence animals,” said OSP warden Jeff Premo. “So life seemed appropriate, I guess.”

Monmouth PD fears that this squirrel-run operation, despite its size, was not the only source of heroin in the area. If you have any tips on where more of these dope-peddlers might be located, please let me know, and I will pass the information onto the police for you.

Rain messes with softball’s mojo

By: Jamal Smith
Sports Editor

March 5 was supposed to be the Wolves’ home opener, but Mother Nature had other plans. The rain came down in droves and forced Western’s double-header against Saint Martin’s University to be postponed until a not-yet-decided future date.

By Sunday, the weather subsided, and the Wolves traveled to Ellensburg, Wash. to play a double-header against Central Washington University. Although the Wolves gave a valiant effort, they inevitably fell short 5-7 in the first matchup and lost 6-7 in the second.

In the first game, junior infielder Kelsie Gardner had three hits in only four at-bats, and she also smacked a home run in the third inning to even the score at 2-2.

In the seventh and final inning and down 4-7 to Central Washington, the Wolves put pressure on the Wildcats when Knowles hit a sacrifice ground-out which sent freshman infielder Ryanne Huffman home to close the gap to 5-7. Unfortunately, that was the closest the Wolves would get.

After the loss, the Wolves looked to get even with the Wildcats in the second of their back-to-back matchups. With the score even at 1-1 going into the second inning, junior Destiny Kuehl crushed a two-run homer to give Western the 3-1 lead.

The Wildcats fought back and started scoring relentlessly, tallying six runs over the next three innings. The Wolves showed grit and determination to come back from the deficit, and a homerun from Ashlee Lynch in the sixth inning brought the Wolves within one run on the Wildcat’s lead.

In the final inning the Wolves were unable to find an offensive spark, and the Wildcats escaped with the victory.

The two losses bring the Wolves’ overall record to 7-10 and 0-2 in GNAC conference play.

Western looks for their first GNAC conference win when they host Montana State University of Billings (MSUB) for a double header on Friday, March 11 at 1:00 p.m. and then at 3:00 p.m. Then the following day, Saturday, March 12, the Wolves again host MSUB for another double-header; the first game starts at 12:00 p.m. and the second at 2:00 p.m.

All four games will be played on Western’s Softball Field.

Contact that author at jwilson15@wou.edu or on Twitter @journalsportWOU

Graduating Off-Step

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By: Megan Clark

You know what’s really great? Graduating.

Graduating is what we all strive for, it’s the end goal. Well, I guess a career and paycheck is the end goal, but let’s not get too picky.

There’s this ideal picture that accompanies graduating: standing alongside peers, dressed in a red gown, poised to toss the tasseled cap.

However, many people, like myself, graduate out of sync with everyone else. Instead of graduating spring term alongside peers, some students graduate the term before or the term after, making graduation seem a little less impactful and a little less happy.

Tuyen Bolten, senior interdisciplinary studies major, is graduating this term as well.

“I do not have any friends graduating with me at the end of winter term, so my feelings about graduation have been altered slightly,” said Bolton. “I always envisioned graduating college with my closest friends by my side, and I am the first of my friends to graduate.”

Even though we can walk alongside our friends for graduation, it’s weird having to walk early (in the case of summer or fall graduates who walk in spring) or come back after three months for the ceremony.

All of the build up of working toward this one spectacular moment seems kind of anticlimactic once you realize you have to wait to seal the deal.

On coming back to Western for graduation, Bolten explained her mixed feelings on the issue, saying, “[It’ll be] happy to be back in a familiar place that became home for three and a half years, but saddening because I no longer see the same faces I got used to seeing daily.”

I know I’m going to be sad not being able to see my friends on campus everyday, but I’m looking forward to standing next to them for graduation once spring term ends.

Being campus life editor has been a really great experience and I’m happy to step down and pass the torch. It’s been fun, see you in three months!

Contact the author at meclark13@wou.edu or on Twitter @WOU_campuslife

Aren’t finals the worst?

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By: Rachael Jackson
Staff Writer

Nothing takes the sunshine and warm vibes out of the spring air quite like finals week. Well, that and the relentless torment of cold rain that seems to plague us as of late. The point is, finals are a drag.

As much as they suck, you have to dig in and try to get through. For most students, this means studying for hours, a tedious task by any measure.

Some students, like Tanner Parker, senior computer science major, like to study in places that provide a place they can easily ask a professor for guidance.

“I normally study in the ITC; when you’re there you are usually around [computer science] professors if you run into a problem and need help,” said Parker.

Another student, Carliee Leach-Provancha, senior history major, said she stays in bed to study because it provides a quiet, ambient space.

Alec Wynkoop-Roberts, junior English major, says he likes anywhere that provides a quiet and comfortable space near food.

“[Coffee shops] also usually have an assortment of baked goods to chow on,” explained Wynkoop-Roberts. “Studying makes me very hungry.”

Keeping a snack on hand can keep your mind busy while studying. Combine your favorite snack and place for a truly divine studying experience.

“I study at the library on the second or third floor or the WUC. I like it quiet, sometimes silent. I have to have my headphones playing an array of music from Childish Gambino to Tegan and Sara,” said Alyssa Chiampi, a third year public policy and administration major.

“Gummy bears and americanos get me through my studying times,” concluded Chiampi.

Contact the author at rjackson13@wou.edu or on Twitter @rachealyjackson