Mount Hood

Justin Bieber leaves a lasting impression

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By: Alvin Wilson 
Staff Writer

After the unsuccessful attempt to deport Justin Bieber to Canada, Citizens for an America Without Bieber, an organization created with the goal of deporting Justin Bieber, decided that sending the pop idol to Monmouth, Oregon would have to do.

Bieber arrived in Monmouth on March 29 and was arrested within 24 hours by the Monmouth Police Department for drunk driving, reckless endangerment, and possession of illegal drugs.

According to eyewitness reports, Bieber left the Main Street Pub & Eatery after one too many drinks and got in his rented Lamborghini, mumbling something about wanting an ice cream cone.

“I knew there was something wrong when he stood up and peed his pants,” said one witness. “I put my hand on his shoulder to stop him, but he just said, ‘get out my way, yo,’ and stormed out.”

On his way to the Main Street Ice Cream Parlor, Bieber made an abrupt right turn, narrowly missed a group of students, and crashed into Crush Wine Bar and Tasting Room.

He totaled his Lamborghini and dealt considerable damage to the store’s front pillar and glass door.

Bieber mumbled, “I dvont member gettig outa ther plane,” as he was being pulled from his crushed vehicle. Authorities said they are unsure what he meant by the comment.

Upon Bieber’s arrest, authorities said they found alcohol, marijuana, Xanax, ecstasy, and several opioids in his system.

“It’s a wonder he was still conscious,” said Mark Simpson, Bieber’s arresting officer. “There was enough in his system to kill a small herd of elephants. I don’t think Monmouth is quite ready for a character like him.”

Since his arrest, Citizens for an America Without Bieber has made several more attempts to get Bieber deported. Authorities at the Monmouth Police Department say it is something they will strongly consider.

Contact the author at awilson15@wou.edu or on Twitter @awilsonjournal

10 worst Trailblazers of all time

By: Jamal Smith Sports Editor

10) Martell Webster (2005-10, 8.5 ppg, 37.2 3 pfg)

Portland had high hopes for high school sensation Martell Webster, drafting him with the No. 6 pick in the 2005 NBA draft. Webster’s stats with the Blazers aren’t terrible, but the shooting guard makes the list because he never lived up to the high expectations that come with being selected at the top of the draft, nor did live up to his potential. To make matters worse, Portland chose Webster over both Chris Paul and Deron Williams.

9) Sebastian Telfair (2004-06, 8.1 ppg, 3.5 ast, 39.4% fg)

The Blazers’ stupidity in not selecting Chris Paul can be blamed on one man: high school phenom point guard, Sebastian Telfair. A year prior to acquiring Webster, the Blazers selected Telfair with the No. 13 pick, with the hopes that he would be a cornerstone piece in rebuilding the team. Unfortunately, that didn’t pan out and the Blazers passed up on Paul thinking Telfair was their point guard of the future.

8) Bonzi Wells (1998-03, 13.3 ppg, 4.7 rpg)

No player epitomizes the bad-boy image of the ‘Jail Blazer’ era more than Bonzi Wells. As co-captain of the team, Wells couldn’t stay out of trouble, on or off the court. Wells publicly cursed out the Blazer’s head coach, flipped off a heckling Blazer fan, and struck and abused an official during a game in 2000. Towards the end of his time with the Blazers, Wells openly said, “Fans don’t matter to us.”

7) LaRue Martin (1972-76, 5.3 ppg, 4.6 rpg)

Who is LaRue Martin? If you have never heard of Martin before, there’s a good reason: the guy was absolutely horrible. Cited by many sports analysts as the worst No. 1 NBA draft pick of all time, Martin was plagued with injuries as well as alcohol and drug abuse during his four-year stint in Portland. To make matters even worse, the Blazer’s selected Martin before Hall of Famers Julius Erving and Bob McAdoo.

6) Darius Miles (2003-06, 13.1 ppg, 4.6 rpg)

When Darius Miles was traded to Portland from the Cleveland Cavaliers, fans raved about his athletic abilities. His potential was through the roof and the Blazers rewarded him with a six-year, $48 million dollar deal. After the contract was inked, it became clear that Miles was a cancer to the team who sought better publicity after the ‘Jail Blazer’ debacle. When Miles retired in 2006 due to medical issues, the Blazers breathed a sigh of relief; however, three years later, Memphis signed him and the Blazers were stuck paying the rest of his outrageous contract.

5) Qyntel Woods (2003-04, 3.6 ppg)

When the Portland police pulled over Qyntel Woods’ Cadillac Escalade for speeding in 2004, they noticed the vehicle was hot boxed with marijuana smoke. Without insurance or a valid driver’s license, Woods famously gave the officers his playing card as proof of identity. Shortly after the incident, Woods was found guilty of dog fighting and subsequently released from the team.

4) Ruben Patterson (2001-05, 9.7 ppg)

The only reason Ruben Patterson isn’t No. 1 on this list is because other players have been more detrimental to the franchise, but Patterson was a real scumbag. In 2001, right before the Blazers signed him to a contract, Patterson pled guilty to the rape of his child’s nanny. Why the Blazers chose to add him to the roster is mind-blowing. Then in 2002, Patterson was arrested for felony assault against his wife, but the charges were dropped and they divorced
.
3) Shawn Kemp (2000-02, 6.3 ppg, 3.8 rpg)

When Shawn Kemp signed a lucrative $52 million dollar contract with the Blazers, he was no longer the dominating unstoppable force he was with the now defunct Seattle Supersonics. He showed up overweight to training camp and his stats took a nosedive. Then, near the end of his first season in black and red, Kemp checked himself into rehab for cocaine addiction; Kemp was cut at the end of the following season and the Blazers were stuck paying him $52 million.

2) Greg Oden (2007-10, 9.4 ppg, 7.3 rpg)

When the Trailblazers received the No. 1 pick in the 2007 NBA draft, the final decision came down to two players: Greg Oden and Kevin Durant. The Blazer’s selected the center from Ohio State, and the fan’s hopes that Oden would live up to his potential shattered faster than his knees. Three major knee surgeries and setback after setback caused the Blazers to waive the big man in 2010, while Durant is currently one of the elite players in the league.

1) Sam Bowie (1984-89, 10.5 ppg, 8.1 rpg)

The 1984 draft was loaded with talent. The Blazers had the No. 2 pick and selected Sam Bowie, passing on Michael Jordan. Need I say any more? Bowie played four injury-plagued seasons before being traded to the New Jersey Nets. Meanwhile, Jordan went on to lead the Chicago Bulls to six NBA Championships, and is known by many as the greatest to ever play the game.

Contact the author at jsmith15@wou.edu or on Twitter @journalsportWOU

Horoscopes

This week in completely made up horoscopes
Grab a glass of water, these fortunes are extra salty this week

Aries 3/21-4/19

I met an Aries last Monday that really pissed me off, so I’m withholding your prediction for this week.

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Go look up a picture of a baby hippo, then get back to me.

Gemini 5/21-6/20

Gemini, if you were wondering whether or not to post that snapchat to your story—don’t. Do us all a favor and don’t. Also, you share a sign with Donald Trump, so….

Cancer 6/21-7/22

You will see a dog on your way to work today.

Leo 7/23-8/22

Leo, you share a name with the glorious Leonardo DiCaprio. Do you really need more fortune than that? Stop being selfish.

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Okay, Virgo, time to hit you with the real. Honestly, this is the last horoscope that I’m writing, and I’ve completely run out of ideas, so I’m just not gonna write one.

Libra 9/23-10/22

You left your oven on.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21

Take a deep breath and relax, Scorpio. Your favorite TV show is not getting cancelled. Although if it were my choice it would be.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Can you not?

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Name the baby Ricky.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18

Remember that really embarrassing thing you did last week, Aquarius? Yeah, I do too.

Pisces 2/19-3/20

Pisces, you thought you looked good when you left the house this morning, well you did. Stay beautiful, gorgeous!

Brianna Bonham seeking suitable Bae

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By: Brianna Bonham

After 18 years of being single, I’m finally ready to get in the dating game and find myself a bae.

I’ll start with some deets about me. I’m 5’ 8”, brown hair, green eyes. My dream in life is to live in a van and own 14 dogs and one goldfish. One of the many joys I find in life is Mythbusters roleplay, and I’m very passionate about bike fishing in Amsterdam.

My spirit animal is the elegant and graceful naked mole-rat. Their burrowing skills are astounding and I would channel those skills in apocalyptic times. My zodiac sign is Taurus and it is often said that we surround ourselves with material pleasures.

As for the lucky man, I only ask a few things.

I don’t want to be too specific right off the bat, but you MUST be 5’ 12”. No more, no less. I also love it when guys have a good sense of style. I believe that everyone should have at least one pair of olive green gaucho pants and a pair of brown Crocs in their wardrobe at all times.

The ideal personality would be a mixture of Ron Swanson and Hulk Hogan. I find it very pleasant when a man has the elegant vocabulary of Gordon Ramsay and is not afraid to use it. My favorite movie is Forrest Gump; it’s crucial that you know every line so that we can recite the movie, accents and all.

A stable job is necessary because as stated above, I am a Taurus who enjoys materialistic pleasures in the form of discontinued As Seen On TV items. They are expensive and often hard to come by.

The ideal first date would be to eat plain toast, Burger King chicken fries, and sweet pickles. For dessert, we would then proceed to Costco via Ripstik and eat samples and the handful of black licorice jelly beans that I always keep handy. After that, a romantic stroll through the Home Depot lighting aisle would certainly set the mood. If all goes well, returning to my room and taking turns reading aloud one of the many biographies I own of Alexander Hamilton while occasionally brushing knees would be a superb way to end the night.

If you believe that you can meet these simple qualifications, feel free to give me a holler at bbonham15@wou.edu

Dates around Monmouth

 

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When you find yourself down because your date stands you up, there’s always free wood behind Rice Auditorium.

 

 

Screen Shot 2016-04-01 at 3.14.31 PM                                                                                  The life of dating a trash girl.

 

 

Screen Shot 2016-04-01 at 3.15.11 PM                                                                   For the students looking to bypass all that romance and just get screwed, or buy screws, head to the local hardware store.

 

 

Screen Shot 2016-04-01 at 3.15.01 PM                                                                                    Looking to do a little pre-date grooming to make sure you’re looking your best for your upcoming date? Rent a Rug Doctor. Carpet cleaning is always a good choice.

 

 

Screen Shot 2016-04-01 at 3.15.23 PM                                              Breaking into the old police station with a brick is always super romantic. We recommend borrowing one from a nearby construction site. Great for those college students on a budget.

Phone Power: They Might Be Giants

By: Darien Campo 
Staff Writer

This week, March 8th, alternative rock duo They Might Be Giants released their 19th studio album “Phone
Power”. “Phone Power” is the third collection of songs from the 2015 revival of TMBG’s Dial-a-Song
project, in which they recorded and released a brand new song (with an accompanying video) every
week this year. The previous two collections of 2015 Dial-a-Songs, released earlier this year, were
“Why?” and “Glean”.

Anybody who follows TMBG is already familiar with most of the songs on this album, since they’ve
previously made an appearance on dialasong.com, but it’s still great to hear them all collected together
for the first time.

For a band that’s been releasing music almost constantly for the past 30 years, it’s truly amazing that
they’ve kept the same standard of quality on each album. Every song on “Phone Power” shows the same
attention to detail that Johns Flansburgh and Linnell have consistently delivered to their eager fans.
There are some really fun tracks on this album. My personal favorite is “I Am Alone”, which details a
very dramatic (and hilarious) standoff between 4 characters with too many plot twists to count. The
songs are creative and fun as always, but nothing on the album really breaks away from the TMBG
standard — which is hardly even a complaint.

The most notable detail about “Phone Power” is that it is TMBG’s first foray into the world of “pay-what-
you-want” releases. If you visit tmbg.com/phonepower you’re greeted with the option to choose your
own price for the 18 track album. They even say that you can pay nothing for the album, “because, like,
you don’t have any money right now. We understand. We totally support that idea. We don’t mind
giving things away.” They do offer special deals for folks who pay more for the album, like a physical CD
instead of a download link, and even an exclusive live stream to a show of theirs in April.

Though the songs on “Phone Power” are fun, I’m still waiting for TMBG to blow me away again like they
did with their 2013 release “Nanobots”. Regardless, “Phone Power” is a powerful addition to the
unstoppable The Might Be Giants discography, and is sure to please any fan.