Mikaela Wong | Freelancer
I had my first panic attack when I was 8-years-old. I wasn’t able to understand the reality of what it was until I was 19 and started getting them more regularly. The feeling was always familiar: my chest got tight, my throat closed up, my eyes widened and my breathing started getting quicker and shorter. I felt as if I was drowning; I had no control.
To me, anxiety is the constant feeling of being on-edge or fidgety that never goes away, but just varies in levels and extremeness. It can sometimes get the better of me when I’m overwhelmed by responsibilities, if I’m surrounded by too many people and become socially exhausted or sometimes for no apparent reason at all.
In my specific case, my problem is that I have a high-functioning personality, meaning that I am very good at hiding my problems and feelings. Instead, I use it to fuel my motivation to accomplish or achieve things. Not that I believe that accomplishing things is bad, but using it to distract or deviate my mind and others’ from what is bothering me can be. It reached a point where I was achieving so much and had everything that I thought I would need in order to be happy, yet I still asked myself why I felt empty inside.
While there are many ways in which people choose to deal with their mental disorders, I chose to start seeing a therapist when I noticed the behavioral patterns heading in a negative direction.
I was diagnosed with major depression and extreme anxiety. My therapist told me that achievement was a common way of coping with deeper issues, as if my self-worth was dependent on how much I could get done. But that in reality, I just needed to be and exist without needing to prove myself to anyone, including myself.
In order to do that, I had to practice being “mindful”. This meant teaching myself to be in the moment and forcing myself to observe things I directly saw instead of worrying about what it meant, or letting my mind wander into the hypothetical world or over-analyzation it tended to go to whenever my anxiety would rise. “What if I didn’t study enough for that test? What if my friends are just pretending to like me? What if my life doesn’t look like how I want it to in 10 years?”
Instead, when presented with a situation where I felt my anxiety sneaking up on me, I focus on my body and observe which parts of me are feeling tight and rigid. Then as I slowly and consciously relax that muscle, I visualize the stress leaving my body and become more aware of my posture and position. I will take five minutes to ground myself and become aware of my breathing while observing colors, shapes and textures, before continuing to proceed with my day.
Mental disorders and self-care are going to be different and look different to everyone. Asking for help isn’t a weakness and finding out how to take care of yourself isn’t a waste of time. Life is a process for you, not a presentation for others. If you or someone you know is struggling, help is available. You can visit the Student Health and Counseling Center for a confidential appointment, free to any student registered with six or more credit hours.
