This week in entirely made-up horoscopes…

The signs while playing Monopoly

Aries: Gets into a fight with the Sagittarius

Taurus: Pretends to not know what’s going on, but is actually weirdly good

Gemini: “Yahtzee!”

Cancer: Cheats their way to winning

Leo: still deciding which piece to use because they don’t want the others to feel bad

Virgo: unbelievably rich

Libra: Takes jail wayyyy too seriously  

Scorpio: eats the dice when they don’t get the roll they want

Sagittarius: Fistfighting everyone for the Dog piece

Capricorn: Obsesses over the relative value of the color groups

Aquarius: Yells whenever any other player does anything

Pisces: Falls asleep