This week in completely made up horoscopes

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[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] It’s week 5. This ain’t it, chief. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″]Taurus, can we take a moment to appreciate how absolute fire the “Shrek” soundtrack is? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] How can I focus on this math lesson when all I can think about is that Thomas the Tank Engine trick shot/stunt video? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] It’s the week to be passionate about whatever it is that does it for you — school, work or watching the same show again on Netflix and dramatically acting out reactions to plot twists you knew were coming. Bravo. Bravo. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] Bacon. Bæ-Ken. Adverb. The art of giving your beloved lightbulb to your third cousin once removed. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] Literally, forget what anyone says. The sun is shining, you’re probably Vitamin D deficient, so who cares if it’s still 60 degrees? PUT ON A TANK-TOP AND SHORT-SHORTS AND BE YOUR BEST SELF. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] “Friends” was right — it hasn’t been my day, my week, my month or even my year. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] Whew. This week has been a roller coaster. I’m genuinely not sure whether to laugh or cry rn. That’s all. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] You know when your brain feels like AHHHHLAKJSASDF$$DA!! and then you forget how to read and your verbal skills plummet to the level of a 2nd grader? No? Just me? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] I gotta pay my phone bill and also get some more milk. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] Today the color of your aura is saying ‘damn bro that fart was nasty. Can you eat less Taco Bell please?’ [/fruitful_tab]

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