FIFTY SHADES OF WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL?

IT DID NOT OCCUR TO ME

THAT there still existed people who do not know the gist of “Fifty Shades of Grey” until I overheard a couple of guys talking about Christian Grey’s Red Room.

While at the gym a couple of days ago, I heard two very brawny men talking about their feelings after watching the movie. More specifically, Christian’s “kinky play room” and how they “never saw that coming.”

For those who do not know, (I am speaking to the male population) “Fifty Shades of Grey” is based on E.L. James’ New York Times best-seller “Fifty Shades of Grey,” which is the first installment in the Fifty Shades trilogy. Known for its descriptive and intense sex scenes, “Fifty Shades of Grey” has earned a reputation among women.

Released on Feb. 14 for publicity reasons, as anticipated, “Fifty Shades of Grey” debuted at No. 1 in the box office and grossed roughly $94 million worth of ticket sales.

And, much like my Valentine’s Day, there was nothing romantic about “Fifty Shades of Grey.”

In short, English student Anastasia Steele meets a young and very attractive business tycoon that is Christian Grey. Fast-forward through a bunch of awkward encounters and Christian becomes spellbound by Anastasia.

The sexual tension between the two increases to the point where Christian draws out a contract asking for Anastasia’s consent to become his submissive, which is the huge curveball of the story.

However, it becomes apparent the duo wishes for two different things: Anastasia wants Christian to be her boyfriend but Christian wants Anastasia to be his submissive. Anyway, they have lots of crazy, wild intercourse while in this limbo of deciding what to make of their maturing relationship.

The whole thing is confusing yet intriguing to the female populace.

So, being female and all, I was curious to see what all the hype was about. If you know me, you know I make a habit out of reading a book before it becomes a major motion picture. This was no exception.

Upon cracking the spine into my paperback edition while waiting to board my flight at the Portland airport, I received what I felt were judging and disapproving looks from those who saw what I was reading.

Although I feel obliged to admit that reading erotica is somehow superior or more accepting than viewing it, I might as well have been casually flipping through a Playboy magazine. I’d say both meet the same reading level requirement. Unlike other best-selling books, “Fifty Shades of Grey” did not require any analysis or discussion of extended metaphors.

According to Business Insider, “Fifty Shades of Grey” has become the first e-book to sell one million copies on Amazon’s Kindle; most likely because people wanted to avoid the same disdain-filled looks that I received for publicly reading erotica — an amateur mistake on my part.

For those who did not like the book (or the “Twilight” saga for that matter), there is a 100 percent chance that you will not enjoy the movie. The same can be said for any novel-gone-Hollywood.

The movie completely adheres to the plot of the book. But yet, it fascinates me to learn that people expect the movie to somehow make better the storyline, as follows:

Guy meets girl. Guy likes girl. Girl likes guy.

So, girl keeps going back.

Here, we have what has become the standard millennial relationship consisting of awkward interactions (at first), dining-out expenditures, sexual tension, fighting and disagreements.

Despite the fact that reality television exists, why would anyone want to watch a movie about a normal (or rather dysfunctional) couple? Insert vampires and werewolves and– voila!–“Twilight”! Subtract wildlife, add millionaire status and one BDSM contract and – voila! – “Fifty Shades of Grey”!

Although I will gladly admit that I know nothing about BDSM (Bondage and Discipline, Sadism and Masochism), there is much controversy surrounding the portrayal of the BDSM community at large. “Fifty Shades of Grey” creates speculations that BDSM-ers are clearly offended by.

You didn’t see angry vampires and werewolves complain to the Huffington Post when “Twilight” stereotyped their lifestyles. Not every Native American is part of a wolfpack and vampires don’t actually sleep in coffins. In fact, they don’t sleep at all.

Similar to how Stephenie Meyer was not inspired by vampires and werewolves to write Twilight, James did not write “Fifty Shades of Grey using the BDSM community as her muse. To be clear, James did not dedicate the Fifty Shades trilogy to the BDSM-ers. If that was the case, then, yes, be pissed.

Anyway, Fifty Shades is a highly unrealistic story about a millionaire abused as a child – who doesn’t actually exist, which is why it is fictional. Being a CEO, 27 years old AND attractive is already an impossible feat. If someone is that attractive, they have to be crazy or have had traumatic experiences as a child that highly influences their adulthood.

So, yeah, fictional.

It’s about as practical as Harry Potter: once you remind yourself that Daniel Radcliffe is not the chosen one and can’t actually cast a Patronous Charm, it’s easier to understand that Jamie Dornan is not a dominant and doesn’t actually own that many gray ties.

After reading unsavory movie and book reviews, ranging from nitpicky to LOL-worthy, I don’t know how else to say that “Fifty Shades of Grey” is just another craze developed for our entertainment purposes. We pay to be immersed in a world that isn’t ours for a couple of hours out of the day.

So, honestly, what’s the big deal?

I saw more nudity in “Wolf of Wall Street.”