April 2016 – Page 9 – The Western Howl

By: Alvin Wilson
Staff Writer

Do you ever find yourself studying in the library, when you’re suddenly overcome by a strong craving for food and caffeine?

Well, my fellow coffee fiend, worry no more. Hamersly Library is completing its latest improvement: a new café.

The café will be called The Press, and it is set to open on April 13. The opening date has changed a few times due to unexpected delays, and it is still subject to change.

So why build a café, something that creates a lot of noise, in the library?

According to Dr. Allen McKiel, director of library services at Hamersly, the noise was part of the reason.

“Studies of library usage over the years have resulted in a conceptual shift in understanding environments conducive to and supportive of studying,” said McKiel. “Libraries have been converting their spaces from ubiquitous quiet areas with tables and hard backed and bottomed chairs […] to a variety of study areas that have […] different noise level zones.”

McKiel said the increased noise level shouldn’t be a problem, since students generally don’t study on the noisier first floor of the library.

“We expect the first floor to get a bit noisier, but it is generally not the place where students who prefer quiet spaces study,” he said. “As a student, I used to study in the cafeteria where there was a lot of undifferentiated noise—white noise. The quiet places just made any little noise stand out, which I found disruptive.”

McKiel said a café in the library would benefit students who want to study for longer periods without stopping.

“The decision to put the café in the library arose from the studies that indicated that food and drink were an integral part of the study habits of many students,” he said. “Having food available in the library encourages longer stretches of studying, since leaving the library to find food tends to disrupt and provide distractions that often prevent a return to studying.”

The Press will offer more food items than Café Allegro, and can be expected to be open longer hours (Monday to Thursday 8 a.m.–8 p.m., Sunday 8 a.m.–3 p.m. and closed Friday and Saturday.)

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Wolves’ magical season ends at Final Four

By: Jamal Smith
Sports Editor

The Wolves’ historical season, the most successful in the program’s history, ended on March 24 in Frisco, Texas at the NCAA Division II Final Four.

With nine consecutive victories over quality opponents, Western came into the game riding a wave of momentum. The Wolves dominated the GNAC regular season and the GNAC Championship tournament, won the NCAA West Regional bracket, and, for the first time in program history, advanced to the Final Four.

But standing in the Wolves’ way for championship gold was Augustana University, a team from the Northern Sun Intercollegiate Conference who only lost two games all year by a combined score of five points.

Although Western got out to a fast start, Augustana proved to be the better team, coming away with a 74-55 victory, crushing the Wolves hopes at hoisting the NCAA Division II Championship trophy.

“They were the best team other than Oregon that we played all year,” said the Wolves’ head coach, Jim Shaw, in a postgame interview. “I thought we came out and got out to a good start, but when [Augustana’s Daniel Jansen] came on the floor, the whole energy of the game changed.”

From the opening tip, the Wolves came out determined to play aggressive defense and attack the paint. Less than one minute into the game, senior Jordan Wiley (G) forced a steal which resulted in fast-break dunk by sophomore Tanner Omlid (G/F). Senior Andy Avgi, Omlid, and Wiley would all add baskets to give the Wolves an 8-2 lead early in the first half.

The Vikings countered the Wolves’ early game run by subbing in Jansen, the National Association of Basketball Coaches Division II Player of the Year. Due to an injury, the 6’9” forward sat out of Augustana’s Elite Eight matchup on March 23, against Tarleton State. Jansen had an immediate impact on the game by hitting a jump shot and draining a pair of three-pointers to even the score at 10-10.

Although the Wolves hit their first five of 11 shots from the floor to start the game, they went ice cold for the remainder of the first half, shooting three for 19. Augustana would take advantage and go on a 24-9 run in the final 10 minutes of the half to take a 34-19 lead into the break.

In the second half, Western came out with a sense of urgency to step up on defense and chip away at the Vikings lead, but every time the Wolves would make a small run, Augustana would have an answer. The Vikings would increase their lead to more than 20 points, which proved to be insurmountable, and would go on to win 74-55.

Omlid led the Wolves in scoring with 17 points, 10 of which came in the second half when the Wolves were looking to get back into the game and close the scoring gap. Omlid also tallied eight rebounds, three steals, and two blocked shots.

Besides Omlid, Western had two other players score in double figures; Alexander scored 12 points, and Nichols had 10.

Avgi, the back-to-back GNAC Player of the Year and the NCAA West Regional Player of the Year, had a tough night shooting the ball, going one for eight from the floor. Once the ball was tossed up at midcourt, it became clear that the Vikings keyed in on making it difficult for the power forward to assert his will on the game.

Although the Wolves’ season ended before they would have liked, the Wolves accomplished many things this season besides making their first trip in school history to the Final Four.

“We are the first team in the GNAC to win 18 conference games,” said Shaw. “We are the second school in the northwest ranked No. 1 in the country for Division I and Division II basketball, and we went undefeated at home for the first time since the 94-95 season.”

“Our guys have done an incredible job accomplishing a lot of historical things this year,” said Shaw. “I’m really amazed at the level of consistency that this group has showed.”

The Wolves will lose four key starters who helped lead the team to their record-setting season: seniors Alexander, Avgi, Nichols, and Wiley. The four players will surely be missed and hard to replace, but the program is in good hands with coach Shaw at the helm, who proved in his inaugural season he can lead the Wolves to greatness.

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Wolfie Exposed!

By: Rachael Jackson
Campus Life Editor

For the past week, campus life editor Rachael Jackson shadowed Wolfie to get an idea of the wolf behind the mask. This involved following him on trips around campus to raise spirits, outings with the athletes to games and other events, as well as sleeping in his den at night. What seemed like a quiet (if not fun) week ended up somewhere quite more nefarious.

Wolfie is far more than a mascot. He is an icon, a hero. For years, students have looked to him for guidance during the hard times, but also as a friend and confidant during the good times. But what do we really know about him? Because Wolfie communicates through school spirit rather than words, I knew that sitting him down for an interview would be difficult if not futile. And so, I took after following him on his daily grind.

I will admit that he was standoffish about the idea of having me stay the week with him. He seemed excited to have someone around with him during the day, but something unsettled him about having me there at night.

The first day was uneventful. I followed him to meetings, had dinner with the basketball team, and later watched the stars from the stadium bleachers.

His den was relocated to the field behind the turf field in 2012. It’s rather cozy and spacious with all the amenities a modern wolf would need. Despite the space, Wolfie sent me to the closet. I’m not one to argue, so into the closet I went.

Wolfie is open-minded and friendly, not the type to keep friends in the closet. So, on the third night shortly after midnight, I decided to wander freely to see why he would want me to stay locked away.

What I found was shocking.

Leading from the den entrance and into the kitchen were tufts of blood-splattered wool. I followed the trail and found an unmasked Wolfie hunched over the body of a sheep.

In an unbecoming move from a professional reporter such as myself, I let out a loud blood curdling shriek that sent Wolfie running to his room. Not wanting to be alone with the carcass, I followed after him.

Wolfie sat at the corner of his bed with his mask back on and tears pooling at his lap. On a crumbled Waremart receipt, he explained that he was not a monster, but just satiating his wolfish desires.

Despite domestication and school spirit training, Wolfie has not been able to escape his animalistic instincts. Every few weeks he keeps a fiendish desire for meat, so he wanders off to find suitable prey in the nearby farms.

Not sure about his mental state, I called the police and Wolfie is now undergoing psychiatric evaluation.

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Horoscopes

Aries 3/21-4/19
Jimmy is the one who’s been stealing your lunch from the break room fridge, Aries.

Taurus 4/20-5/20
I know you want to break up with your boyfriend, but hold out for another week. He’s giving you a dog.

Gemini 5/21-6/20
Gemini, I know you’re wondering if you failed your Biology test … you did. Sorry.

Cancer 6/21-7/22
Cancer, there is an old, but still totally edible, Snickers in the right pocket of the jeans you are wearing.

Leo 7/23-8/22
Please stop sending in requests for better horoscopes, Leo. Come on, you’re better than this.

Virgo 8/23-9/22
All the stars and moons or whatever have aligned this week for you, Virgo. This means good fortune, and by good fortune I mean you won’t be subjected to all the meaningless conversation you’re stuck in on a daily basis.

Libra 9/23-10/22
Do NOT look behind you.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
Scorpio, there’s free candy in that totally normal and not at all suspicious looking van parked outside your apartments. Feel free to check it out.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
Not so much a fortune, but a request. Please change your Tinder photo, Sagittarius. I beg of you.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
Very much still definitely 100 percent pregnant.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
Oh, Aquarius, all your kindness is going to pay off this week. Be sure to check your email, one of your classes is getting cancelled.

Pisces 2/19-3/20
I spy a free vacation in the near future, Pisces.

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Area man can no longer find place to break out “solid” Bill Cosby impression

By: Declan Hertel
Entertainment Editor

With Bill Cosby facing multiple allegations of drugging and raping young women during his long career, local man Kyle Thompson hasn’t been able to find a suitable context in which to make use of his well-practiced impression of the comedian without seeming tasteless.

“It always kills at parties,” complained Thompson, wishing that the comedian would have considered those who have put “serious work” into their impression of him before he drugged and raped all those women.

“The last time I did it, all I got was silence, with some nervous chuckles too, but it mostly flopped,” said Thompson. “At one point I went for broke and made a date-rape joke with the voice, and it did mostly go over, but I felt kind of weird about it afterward, so I haven’t done it since.”

“It’s a shame, it really is,” said Tobin Davis, who once heard Thompson perform the bit at a party, describing the impression as “pretty spot-on” and “almost uncanny.”

Thompson admitted that he also does have decent Pee-Wee Herman, Professor Farnsworth, and Barack Obama impressions in his repertoire, but he was “really banking on the Cosby” to keep parties lively.

“Someone pointed out that if I just add a really gravelly quality to the Cosby impression, I’ll have a pretty okay Louis Armstrong, but it’s just not the same.”

Thompson is entertaining the idea of really buckling down on his Al Pacino, but fears that the aging actor is no longer the cultural touchstone he once was.

“Cosby’s particular brand of charming, fatherly gibberish is timeless,” said Thompson. “But I guess that was before we found out about all the rape.”

Bill Cosby could not be reached for comment.

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Semi-Cult film gets sequel 30 freaking years later

By: Declan

Multiple sources report that despite literally no one giving a shit about this particular film franchise anymore, a major studio has acquired the rights to the somewhat well-regarded property, and is pillaging American’s sense of nostalgia to make a quick buck on a half-assed new installment that, it must be reiterated, no one really wanted.

“Yeah, I probably said at one point, ‘man, wouldn’t it be cool if they made a sequel,’ but I, you know, didn’t really … mean it,” said Dude McGuy, a fan of the original film, which was released sometime in the ‘80s, maybe the early ‘90s. “It just feels so cheap and soulless.”

“I’m probably still gonna see it though,” said McGuy, looking as sad and dejected as a man could possibly look.

The Journal reached out to A Movie Industry Fatcat, who was quoted as saying, “Moviegoers are sheep. You slap a name they recognize on a steaming pile of bear turd and they’ll buy millions and millions of tickets to writhe around in it for an hour and a half, just for that tiny little hit off the crack pipe of the past.”

After diving into his Scrooge McDuck-style pool of money, entirely made up of currency that people have spent on absolute garbage motion pictures, he removed several stacks of hundred-dollar bills from underneath his immense girthy folds, acquired from eating several fancy meals a day financed by the money we keep throwing at these studios to make absolute goddamn trash, he surfaced and continued, “Everything you have ever loved will be recycled through the corporate machine and spat back at you, and you will eat it and say you loved it because you’re a whore. Say it, you’re a filthy whore.”

I just can’t write about this anymore. I’m sorry, I’m just done. Goodbye, enjoy your shitty movies forever and ever now.

Here’s a picture of a stupid, stupid cat and I hope it brings you joy in this goddamned hollow existence.

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Todd Hall ghost demands salary

By: Zoe Strickland
Northwest Passage Editor-in-Chief

The position of Todd Hall haunter is in jeopardy due to wage disagreements between local ghost, Jessica Todd, and the administration. After decades of volunteering her time as the hall’s resident live-in spirit, Todd has begun demanding the creation of a salaried position, claiming that the school needs a “living wage for the non-living.”

When asked to explain her stance, Todd went on to say how the creation of a salary will be beneficial to the ghostly reputation of Western.

“In order for me to properly haunt the students, particularly the men of this institution, I need to be able to destress,” explained Todd. “I’m surrounded by the screams of children all day and am expected to haunt all night. I need money so I can explore the finer things of the afterlife and, as the students these days say, treat myself.”

In addition to her salary demands, Todd is also petitioning to receive retroactive pay for her past 70 years of work, as well as commission for the ghost tours that occur in the building. Due to Todd’s nature, men are barred from the negotiations. However, it’s predicted that the biggest hurdle will come when approaching President Rex Fuller about the salary approval.

Until her demands are met, Jessica Todd is refusing to partake in a haunting of any kind. When asked their opinion on the haunting, several first years stated that they had no idea Todd Hall even had a ghost.

When approached for a comment on her relevance, Todd pointed out that their lack of knowledge is merely an example of why she needs more incentive to perform quality hauntings and make her presence known once again amongst the community. The ghost also took this time to point out that if the school were to grant her a salary, they would not have to worry about paying for any form of health care, seeing as she passed away in 1944.

In the upcoming weeks, the administration is set to meet with Jessica Todd to discuss integrating a salaried position into the 2016-2017 budget.

Administrators have expressed hesitation when asked about whether or not they believe Todd will be in attendance; some have even come forth to say that they do not believe in ghosts. Jessica Todd is currently spending her free time haunting those people.

Contact the author at zstrickland14@wou.edu or on Twitter @nwpmagazine

Western Oregon University’s Land Acknowledgement
Western Oregon University in Monmouth, OR is located within the traditional homelands of the Luckiamute Band of Kalapuya. Following the Willamette Valley Treaty of 1855 (Kalapuya etc. Treaty), Kalapuya people were forcibly removed to reservations in Western Oregon. Today, living descendants of these people are a part of the Confederated Tribes of Grand Ronde Community of Oregon and the Confederated Tribes of the Siletz Indians.

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WOU prohibits discrimination on the basis of race, color, sex, national or ethnic origin, age, religion, marital status, disability, veteran status, sexual orientation, gender identity, and gender expression in all programs, activities and employment practices as required by Title IX, other applicable laws, and policies. Retaliation is prohibited by WOU.

Coffee fiends rejoice

Wolves’ magical season ends at Final Four

Wolfie Exposed!

Horoscopes

Area man can no longer find place to break out “solid” Bill Cosby impression

Semi-Cult film gets sequel 30 freaking years later

Todd Hall ghost demands salary

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