This week in completely made up horoscopes
Grab a glass of water, these fortunes are extra salty this week
Aries 3/21-4/19
I met an Aries last Monday that really pissed me off, so I’m withholding your prediction for this week.
Taurus 4/20-5/20
Go look up a picture of a baby hippo, then get back to me.
Gemini 5/21-6/20
Gemini, if you were wondering whether or not to post that snapchat to your story—don’t. Do us all a favor and don’t. Also, you share a sign with Donald Trump, so….
Cancer 6/21-7/22
You will see a dog on your way to work today.
Leo 7/23-8/22
Leo, you share a name with the glorious Leonardo DiCaprio. Do you really need more fortune than that? Stop being selfish.
Virgo 8/23-9/22
Okay, Virgo, time to hit you with the real. Honestly, this is the last horoscope that I’m writing, and I’ve completely run out of ideas, so I’m just not gonna write one.
Libra 9/23-10/22
You left your oven on.
Scorpio 10/23-11/21
Take a deep breath and relax, Scorpio. Your favorite TV show is not getting cancelled. Although if it were my choice it would be.
Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
Can you not?
Capricorn 12/22-1/19
Name the baby Ricky.
Aquarius 1/20-2/18
Remember that really embarrassing thing you did last week, Aquarius? Yeah, I do too.
Pisces 2/19-3/20
Pisces, you thought you looked good when you left the house this morning, well you did. Stay beautiful, gorgeous!
