Looking to rent a unicycle so I can quit school. Going to spend my days smoking dope and looking dope while doing it. Willing to leave collateral.
I have three fists full of partially used lipsticks available. Colors are all variants of nude. Need them gone by the end of the week, no questions asked.
looking 4 dick pix. send immediately.
QUESTION: Can someone please explain to me what a “dick pic” is?? Girlfriend keeps asking for one, not sure what she wants from me.
Free to good home. 22 year old roommate. Potty trained and great with pets, but otherwise completely useless. Subsists mainly off Little Debbie products and reruns of “That 70’s Show.” If interested, please contact queenofhermits@nonmail.com
Lost Luck. Last seen on Feb. 23 at the end of Monmouth Ave. in front of Natural Science after I tripped up the stairs. After losing my luck, my life consists of a string of unfortunate events and I would really love to have it back.
Missed Connection. To the cute guy who answered a question for campus voices a few weeks ago and also had a camera around his neck, are you single? Send your answer to The Journal office at 503-838-8347. Asking for a friend.
Frisky trio looking for adventurous fourth. Possible blood sacrifice, dress appropriately. Meet @ the Grove when the moon is full if interested.
Homie Collector: Searching for interesting humans to hang out at my apartment all day. Will provide ramen, spaghetti, or linguini alfredo, dependent upon how much cash you leave me. Must enjoy wearing crazy hats, playing with trinkets on the bookshelf, and standing backward with your buttcrack out. Celebrities welcome.
In search of pre-scratched lottery scratch-offs. Need to prove to my parents that I have a gambling problem; don’t ask. Call STOVE at (912) 525-5671, but ask for BILL.
In dire need of one of them chubby garbage squirrels, y’all. Just gather as many as you can and bring ‘em on down to Larry’s Jim Jang Jamboree. Don’t bring none of those boring tree faring fools. I know the difference, y’all. Payment not readily available, but you can consider it one of them charitable donations or whatever you NPR givin’, Subaru drivin’, REI wearin’ lib’r’alls do with your squirrel money.
LONE WOLF searching for a PACK. It’s lonely on the mountaintop. Send replies ℅ WALDO.
FOR SALE: My Dignity. Lightly used, near mint. Willing to trade for pride or hubris. Just unnecessary in my day-to-day.
WANTED: Tinder Tutor. Can pay you in backhanded compliments and awkward pauses.
help im trapped in his basement please find me i need help the beatings are constant im so scared.. i cant take a noterh day of this oh god PLEasE here he comes oh my god please please PLEASE
Seeking someone to punch me right in my stupid face. I will pay fifty dollars for a knuckle sandwich. I want to taste blood for weeks. I have a face, please punch it. It’s all I want, it’s all I need, a punch in my face, a kick in my teeth.
FREE TO A GOOD HOME: One infant, eight pounds, six ounces. Excellent condition, no problems. White, dark brown hair. Runs like a champ, has all its shots. You get to name it, blank birth certificate included. Pick up near Little Caesar’s dumpster Saturday night.
WANTED: F—s. I have none left to give, and I need at least one per week to make it through the rest of my college career. Can provide payment in expired protein powder or never-been-washed shaker cups from 5 years ago. Inquire at the offices of The Journal. Door may or may not be unlocked, depending on how many f—s I have available to give that day.
HUMAN SEEKS FELLOW HUMAN FOR HUMAN ROMANCE. ENVISION A ROBOT THAT DOES NOT UNDERSTAND LOVE ON WHICH YOU MUST INSTALL LOVE.EXE WITH YOUR BODY. BUT I AM NOT A ROBOT. I AM A HUMAN. PROGRAMMING KNOWLEDGE A PLUS.
