Aries 3\/21-4\/19
\n100 percent the answer to your question is vodka. (I\u2019m contractually obligated to assert this horoscope is for readers 21+.)<\/p>\n
Taurus 4\/20-5\/20
\nA mysterious box will arrive at your door tomorrow, Taurus. I advise you to take everything that\u2019s inside, but leave the Troll doll that was clearly given a haircut by a five-year-old with safety scissors.<\/p>\n
Gemini 5\/21-6\/20
\nTomorrow at lunch you\u2019ll receive a bread roll that looks extremely similar to a vagina. This is your new lucky charm. Seriously, Jupiter told me. I can\u2019t make this sh– up. But then again, these horoscopes are completely made up \u2026 so, I guess I can.<\/p>\n
Cancer 6\/21-7\/22
\nVanilla wafer.<\/p>\n
Leo 7\/23-8\/22
\nWe get it, Leo, you\u2019re a hipster. Please stop serving people deconstructed dinners on dust pans and unsanded blocks of wood.<\/p>\n
Virgo 8\/23-9\/22
\n#avocadotoast #encryptedpromproposal #Wolfieontheloose #earlymorningcardio #detoxtea #wanderlust<\/p>\n
Libra 9\/23-10\/22
\nThe stars are all over the place for you this week, Libra. I spy a vacation coming up. And by vacation, I mean a low-budget trip, and by low-budget trip, I mean you\u2019ll have to time to drive over to Salem tomorrow.<\/p>\n
Scorpio 10\/23-11\/21
\nYou received incredibly high ratings on Yelp this week, Scorpio. One reviewer said, \u201cHandshakes are definitely above par.\u201d<\/p>\n
Sagittarius 11\/22-12\/21
\nSagittarius, the question you asked the universe last week was \u201chow many cats are too many?\u201d Seven. Seven cats are WAY too many.<\/p>\n
Capricorn 12\/22-1\/19
\nI\u2019ve exhausted all my horoscopes pertaining to you being pregnant, Capricorn. So, here\u2019s a riddle: what has four legs, four arms, two sets of eyes, and two mouths\u2014but only for nine months?<\/p>\n
Aquarius 1\/20-2\/18
\nI know it\u2019s a rough situation, Aquarius. Believe me, I\u2019ve been there. But you cannot prevent the grilled cheeses from burning on Thursday. No way around it, just order a pizza.<\/p>\n
Pisces 2\/19-3\/20
\nFor the next week your diet will consist entirely of those cheese crackers with the peanut butter in them and Gardetto\u2019s rye chips.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Aries 3\/21-4\/19 100 percent the answer to your question is vodka. (I\u2019m contractually obligated to assert this horoscope is for readers 21+.) Taurus 4\/20-5\/20 A mysterious box will arrive at your door tomorrow, Taurus. I advise you to take everything that\u2019s inside, but leave the Troll doll that was clearly given a haircut by a […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":825,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"none","_seopress_titles_title":"Horoscopes for Today: Insights and Comedy - The Western Howl","_seopress_titles_desc":"Find your weekly horoscope with personalized insights for every zodiac sign. See what the stars have in store for you\u2014check your horoscope now!","_seopress_robots_index":"","_lmt_disableupdate":"","_lmt_disable":"","_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[25],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3587","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor"],"modified_by":"Jared Montgomery","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wou.edu\/westernhowl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3587","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wou.edu\/westernhowl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wou.edu\/westernhowl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wou.edu\/westernhowl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/825"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wou.edu\/westernhowl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3587"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/wou.edu\/westernhowl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3587\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":22864,"href":"https:\/\/wou.edu\/westernhowl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3587\/revisions\/22864"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wou.edu\/westernhowl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3587"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wou.edu\/westernhowl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3587"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wou.edu\/westernhowl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3587"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}