This week in horoscopes and predictions*:<\/p>\n
Aries 3\/21-4\/19
\nGood omens are on the horizon. Send positivity into the university and you\u2019ll get it right back in the return of you pouring abowl of Lucky Charms and it consisting entirely of marshmallows.<\/p>\n
Taurus 4\/20-5\/20
\nLooks like homework has been piling up for you, Taurus, but I predict a break in the near future. Somewhere between the dates of March 18 and March 27.<\/p>\n
Gemini 5\/21-6\/20
\nAh, looks like it\u2019s been a rough few weeks. Things will turn around for you, Gemini. Wealth, maybe a new job, perhaps academic success? But only if you bring $50 to the offices of The Journal. Ask for Katrina.<\/p>\n
Cancer 6\/21-7\/22
\nI\u2019m not quite sure what your future holds, Cancer. It\u2019s all a little too foggy for me to tell. I recommend buying a fortune cookie.<\/p>\n
Leo 7\/23-8\/22
\nI foresee lots of trips to coffee shops this week, Leo. Must be the stress of week nine. Unfortunately, you\u2019ll always ask for whipped cream, but they\u2019ll never put it on your drink. Bummer.<\/p>\n
Virgo 8\/23-9\/22
\nYou\u2019re a very social person, Virgo. People love talking and getting to know you. Use this to your advantage in the upcoming week. If you\u2019re 21, go to a bar and get as many free drinks as possible. Seriously, milk this for all it\u2019s worth.<\/p>\n
Libra 9\/23-10\/22
\nYou will fail every single one of your classes, Libra. Literally no way around it.<\/p>\n
Scorpio 10\/23-11\/21
\nYou know you\u2019ve been forgetting something, Scorpio. It\u2019s been bothering you for the last twelve days. I think I have the answer. Remember that Red Box you rented from WareMart? You never returned it.<\/p>\n
Sagittarius 11\/22-12\/21
\nSagittarius, I know you\u2019ve been falling onto hard times with your best friend. Talk to them, end this three week beef, and if you do, they\u2019ll take you to Beyonce.<\/p>\n
Capricorn 12\/22-1\/19
\nPregnant.<\/p>\n
Aquarius 1\/20-2\/18
\nHead to the movies this week, Aquarius. Somehow, and I don\u2019t know how, you will get charged for a small popcorn when you ordered a large.<\/p>\n
Pisces 2\/19-3\/20
\nJust as you\u2019ve been praying for, \u201cAmerica\u2019s Next Top Model\u201d is returning to television.<\/p>\n
*These predictions are completely made up.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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