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By:Katrina Penaflor \r\nmanaging editor<\/pre>\nLast Tuesday campus was in shock when a rampant group of angry squirrels took over a medium-sized conference room in Valsetz dining hall.<\/p>\n
\u201cNobody really knows what point they are trying to make. Or why they believe they have the right to do what they\u2019re doing. They just keep pointing at the ground and stomping their feet,\u201d said a faculty member who was monitoring the incident.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m worried,\u201d said onlooker Marissa Barrer, who may or may not be a student at Western (I forgot to ask.) \u201cI\u2019m pretty sure the max capacity for that room is like 35. I overheard someone saying there were 40 squirrels in there. That\u2019s five over the limit.\u201d<\/p>\n
The university quickly posted a message on their website stating that due to these events, campus would be delayed until noon. They also urged students to stay away from any potentially dangerous areas on campus.<\/p>\n
Many students were disappointed, hoping for a full day off.<\/p>\n
So far the only people who have been able to breech the aggressively unarmed squirrels were two theater arts majors. They managed to dress and act like squirrels in such a convincing manor that the group welcomed them into the room with open arms.<\/p>\n
The students were sent in an attempt to communicate with the squirrels and settle the situation.<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, that didn\u2019t work,\u201d said Richard, one of the students in disguise. \u201cNo one from the militia talked to us. I\u2019m not even sure they really knew what they were going to do next.\u201d<\/p>\n
Linda, who accompanied Richard, said, \u201cI\u2019ve been working on a squirrel-hostage-situation monologue for weeks, it was sheer fate that this opportunity came to me at this moment. My performance today, I dare say, is some of my best work.\u201d<\/p>\n
In a recent turn of events, an anonymous note, that is believed to be from the squirrels, was delivered via carrier pigeon to Monmouth Police reading \u201cSend snacks. Preferably Planter\u2019s brand honey-roasted cashews.\u201d<\/p>\n
A secretary at the police station said she was temporarily taken aback by the literacy of the squirrels. \u201cThey didn\u2019t strike me as the most educated animals out there, but after reading this I\u2019m afraid of what they could be capable of.\u201d<\/p>\n
For any questions or concerns regarding recent updates of the situation please contact TheseAreNotRealEvents@gmail.com or follow my updates on Twitter <\/em>@EntirelyFictionalNews<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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