{"id":24239,"date":"2026-01-07T06:17:00","date_gmt":"2026-01-07T14:17:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wou.edu\/westernhowl\/?p=24239"},"modified":"2026-01-13T18:40:07","modified_gmt":"2026-01-14T02:40:07","slug":"seeking-fear-giveness","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wou.edu\/westernhowl\/seeking-fear-giveness\/","title":{"rendered":"Seeking fear-giveness"},"content":{"rendered":"[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ admin_label=”section” _builder_version=”4.16″ global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_row admin_label=”row” _builder_version=”4.16″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_text admin_label=”Text” _builder_version=”4.16″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” global_colors_info=”{}”]

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A photo of an artwork depicting a woman caressing her cheek in the mirror. | Photo from @alev.neto on Instagram<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

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<\/p>\n

Jan 7. 2026 | Belen Ponce Leal | Lifestyle Editor<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Special thanks to copy editor Kiera Roedel for being the inspiration to write this article.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I have a habit of saying \u201csorry\u201d a lot. Like, a lot. While apologizing is an important behavior that everyone has hopefully done throughout their lives when needed, I usually do it to the point where it isn\u2019t. It isn\u2019t something that I thought would be such a big problem. After all, I don\u2019t want to be seen as someone who doesn\u2019t take accountability for their actions.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Yet, I can recognize that a lot of the time, I don\u2019t need to say sorry as much as I do. I am an overapologizer. <\/span>Overapologizing is the act of apologizing so much that it becomes more of a defense mechanism rather than an actual apology. It <\/span>is not something that a person will wake up with one day and begin doing. <\/span>It is usually a learned behavior.<\/span> It is something that has been developed throughout someone\u2019s life without realizing it. Another term for overapologizing is \u201cthe anxious sorry.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Definition <\/b>\u2014<\/span> The anxious sorry is a type of safety behavior. A safety behavior, according to Psychology Today, is a type of \u201cshort-acting relief technique\u201d that people use to calm their fears or anxiety. They can involve both avoidance and escapism responses, such as procrastination, reassurance-seeking or even stonewalling. Safety behaviors aren\u2019t necessarily a problem for those who do them, but they can become an issue when they have become the only coping mechanism that someone\u2019s used their entire life. Healthy coping mechanisms like learning from mistakes, problem-solving and learning to accept things are all good ways of coping with issues or dramatic changes. Yet, when the automatic response someone has when facing an issue is \u201csorry,\u201d it can be a clue into a much deeper problem developing in the mind of the apologizer.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

What sorry means to an overapologizer <\/b>\u2014<\/span> Overapologizers don\u2019t usually say sorry all the time to be polite. It\u2019s often because they fear something. Fear usually ties into all sorts of things, such as being scared of conflict, anxiety, low self-esteem and people-pleasing tendencies. <\/span>The word “sorry” then becomes a replacement for feelings that a person may not have the capability of confronting or skills to cope with. <\/span>Constantly apologizing can cause overapologizers a momentary feeling of relief from whatever bad feeling was giving them the need to apologize, whether it be fear of rejection or anxiety. It is that relaxing feeling that can make a person use the word as a strategy in maintaining relationships.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Potential problems <\/b>\u2014 While saying sorry a lot may not seem like such a big deal, it can become harmful. It is incredibly diminishing to the apologizer\u2019s self worth. It reinforces the thought that they\u2019re wrong, that they are \u201ctoo much\u201d and that the person is responsible for the emotions of others. Apologizing a lot can also be confusing for those who are around you. Saying sorry often can make the word lose its sincerity, and then the person who you are apologizing to doesn\u2019t understand what it is that is actually needed from the apologizer. <\/span>There is an irrational fear of upsetting others or being uncomfortable when others around them are upset. Despite knowing that the problem didn’t come from them, overapologizers have this compulsive need to try to diffuse the situation before being able to feel comfortable again.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The signs <\/b>\u2014 One overapologetic behavior would be apologizing for things that the person themselves didn’t do. Situations such as schedule conflicts, apologizing for someone else’s behavior, not carrying cash when it\u2019s needed, etc. Oftentimes, it\u2019s things that the person had no control over or prior knowledge of needing to do that they end up taking responsibility for. Another sign would be saying sorry instead of expressing a need. A good example of this that I personally have lived through would be saying sorry to a partner instead of telling them what it is that I want from them. There was a time that my spouse and their family wanted to go eat at a sushi restaurant. I was the only one who didn’t want to go, but I lied and said I wanted to because I didn’t want to be the reason they didn’t get the food they wanted. I tried to prevent a conflict between them and compromised my own wants to do so.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Likely Causes <\/b>\u2014<\/span> Some causes for saying sorry frequently could involve the background of the overapologizer. If they were surrounded by people who were caring and understanding one minute and furious the next, they often have to learn early on how to anticipate the needs of others by minor things such as expressions, tone, hand movement and body language. That could explain the need to want to \u201cdiffuse the bomb,\u201d despite not being the cause of it. Trauma is another major factor in apologizing often. A lot of people who experience traumatic events will often blame themselves for it in an attempt to feel in control of the situation. Yet, it can often make the trauma worse and make them perform people-pleasing behavior to feel safe. For people who think less of themselves or have low self-image, feelings of self-resentment can cause them to say sorry for things that often don\u2019t need it. Having low self esteem can also make a person much more likely to be in codependent relationships. Being in a codependent relationship means that the person\u2019s value is tied to their ability to keep the other person in the relationship happy. Taking the blame for whatever conflicts may arise between the two can often be a way to keep the peace to satisfy the other.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Like most problems that we as humans face, the first thing overapologizers need to do is be aware of the issue and try to combat it more. It\u2019s important to become self-aware of how often they say sorry and what situations it tends to come up in more. Try to recognize the feelings that are being felt in that moment and replace the word \u201csorry\u201d with healthier language. Something I did when coming into work late due to a car issue was apologize for not being on time, despite the fact that I provided a warning and had no control of the situation. Something else I could have said was \u201cthank you for waiting.\u201d Small changes like this can make a big impact on breaking the cycle. Therapy can also be a very good way to combat the action and try to work through what it is that the word \u201csorry\u201d is replacing. It can be difficult to do, even uncomfortable.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

However, I want to remind anyone who reads this that it\u2019s okay to not be perfect. It\u2019s okay to exist and take up space. No one is inconvenient.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Contact the author at <\/span>howllifestyle@mail.wou.edu<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n

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A photo of an artwork depicting a woman caressing her…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1645,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"none","_seopress_titles_title":"Seeking fear-giveness","_seopress_titles_desc":"The reason we overuse \u201csorry\u201d","_seopress_robots_index":"","_lmt_disableupdate":"","_lmt_disable":"","_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"\n

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A photo of an artwork depicting a woman caressing her cheek in the mirror. | Photo from @alev.neto on Instagram<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Jan 7. 2025 | Belen Ponce Leal | Lifestyle Editor<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Special thanks to copy editor Kiera Roedel for being the inspiration to write this article.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I have a habit of saying \u201csorry\u201d a lot. Like, a lot. While apologizing is an important behavior that everyone has hopefully done throughout their lives when needed, I usually do it to the point where it isn\u2019t. It isn\u2019t something that I thought would be such a big problem. After all, I don\u2019t want to be seen as someone who doesn\u2019t take accountability for their actions.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Yet, I can recognize that a lot of the time, I don\u2019t need to say sorry as much as I do. I am an overapologizer. <\/span>Overapologizing is the act of apologizing so much that it becomes more of a defense mechanism rather than an actual apology. It <\/span>is not something that a person will wake up with one day and begin doing. <\/span>It is usually a learned behavior.<\/span> It is something that has been developed throughout someone\u2019s life without realizing it. Another term for overapologizing is \u201cthe anxious sorry.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Definition <\/b>\u2014<\/span> The anxious sorry is a type of safety behavior. A safety behavior, according to Psychology Today, is a type of \u201cshort-acting relief technique\u201d that people use to calm their fears or anxiety. They can involve both avoidance and escapism responses, such as procrastination, reassurance-seeking or even stonewalling. Safety behaviors aren\u2019t necessarily a problem for those who do them, but they can become an issue when they have become the only coping mechanism that someone\u2019s used their entire life. Healthy coping mechanisms like learning from mistakes, problem-solving and learning to accept things are all good ways of coping with issues or dramatic changes. Yet, when the automatic response someone has when facing an issue is \u201csorry,\u201d it can be a clue into a much deeper problem developing in the mind of the apologizer.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

What sorry means to an overapologizer <\/b>\u2014<\/span> Overapologizers don\u2019t usually say sorry all the time to be polite. It\u2019s often because they fear something. Fear usually ties into all sorts of things, such as being scared of conflict, anxiety, low self-esteem and people-pleasing tendencies. <\/span>The word \"sorry\" then becomes a replacement for feelings that a person may not have the capability of confronting or skills to cope with. <\/span>Constantly apologizing can cause overapologizers a momentary feeling of relief from whatever bad feeling was giving them the need to apologize, whether it be fear of rejection or anxiety. It is that relaxing feeling that can make a person use the word as a strategy in maintaining relationships.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Potential problems <\/b>\u2014 While saying sorry a lot may not seem like such a big deal, it can become harmful. It is incredibly diminishing to the apologizer\u2019s self worth. It reinforces the thought that they\u2019re wrong, that they are \u201ctoo much\u201d and that the person is responsible for the emotions of others. Apologizing a lot can also be confusing for those who are around you. Saying sorry often can make the word lose its sincerity, and then the person who you are apologizing to doesn\u2019t understand what it is that is actually needed from the apologizer. <\/span>There is an irrational fear of upsetting others or being uncomfortable when others around them are upset. Despite knowing that the problem didn't come from them, overapologizers have this compulsive need to try to diffuse the situation before being able to feel comfortable again.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The signs <\/b>\u2014 One overapologetic behavior would be apologizing for things that the person themselves didn't do. Situations such as schedule conflicts, apologizing for someone else's behavior, not carrying cash when it\u2019s needed, etc. Oftentimes, it\u2019s things that the person had no control over or prior knowledge of needing to do that they end up taking responsibility for. Another sign would be saying sorry instead of expressing a need. A good example of this that I personally have lived through would be saying sorry to a partner instead of telling them what it is that I want from them. There was a time that my spouse and their family wanted to go eat at a sushi restaurant. I was the only one who didn't want to go, but I lied and said I wanted to because I didn't want to be the reason they didn't get the food they wanted. I tried to prevent a conflict between them and compromised my own wants to do so.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Likely Causes <\/b>\u2014<\/span> Some causes for saying sorry frequently could involve the background of the overapologizer. If they were surrounded by people who were caring and understanding one minute and furious the next, they often have to learn early on how to anticipate the needs of others by minor things such as expressions, tone, hand movement and body language. That could explain the need to want to \u201cdiffuse the bomb,\u201d despite not being the cause of it. Trauma is another major factor in apologizing often. A lot of people who experience traumatic events will often blame themselves for it in an attempt to feel in control of the situation. Yet, it can often make the trauma worse and make them perform people-pleasing behavior to feel safe. For people who think less of themselves or have low self-image, feelings of self-resentment can cause them to say sorry for things that often don\u2019t need it. Having low self esteem can also make a person much more likely to be in codependent relationships. Being in a codependent relationship means that the person\u2019s value is tied to their ability to keep the other person in the relationship happy. Taking the blame for whatever conflicts may arise between the two can often be a way to keep the peace to satisfy the other.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Like most problems that we as humans face, the first thing overapologizers need to do is be aware of the issue and try to combat it more. It\u2019s important to become self-aware of how often they say sorry and what situations it tends to come up in more. Try to recognize the feelings that are being felt in that moment and replace the word \u201csorry\u201d with healthier language. Something I did when coming into work late due to a car issue was apologize for not being on time, despite the fact that I provided a warning and had no control of the situation. Something else I could have said was \u201cthank you for waiting.\u201d Small changes like this can make a big impact on breaking the cycle. Therapy can also be a very good way to combat the action and try to work through what it is that the word \u201csorry\u201d is replacing. It can be difficult to do, even uncomfortable.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

However, I want to remind anyone who reads this that it\u2019s okay to not be perfect. It\u2019s okay to exist and take up space. No one is inconvenient.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n


Contact the author at <\/span>howllifestyle@mail.wou.edu<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[43],"tags":[7945,7943,5096,5100,6130,7950,7951,7927,7928,6721,7940,7938,7941,4664,878,7936,41,3552,7237,7944,7952,7937,7934,7929,7930,7933,5314,5074,7939,7954,4365,1594,154,7946,397,7949,507,7931,5989,7942,7947,2096,7948,2169,404,3897,7935,7926,5491,2646,5901,6093,7953,1254,7932,684,39],"class_list":["post-24239","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-lifestyle","tag-accept","tag-accepting","tag-accountability","tag-actions","tag-alone","tag-anxious","tag-anxiousness","tag-apologize","tag-apology","tag-article","tag-behave","tag-behavior","tag-blame","tag-brain","tag-calm","tag-causes","tag-college","tag-comfort","tag-cope","tag-coping","tag-dependant","tag-exist","tag-existence","tag-fear","tag-forgive","tag-forgiveness","tag-harmful","tag-healthy","tag-inconvenient","tag-issue","tag-learning","tag-life","tag-lifestyle","tag-mechanisms","tag-mental-health","tag-not","tag-oregon","tag-overuse","tag-problem","tag-problem-solving","tag-procrastination","tag-psychology","tag-reassurance","tag-relationship","tag-relationships","tag-safety","tag-signs","tag-sorry","tag-space","tag-stonewall","tag-technique","tag-trauma","tag-uncomfortable","tag-university","tag-use","tag-western","tag-wou"],"modified_by":"saragerrick","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wou.edu\/westernhowl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24239","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wou.edu\/westernhowl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wou.edu\/westernhowl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wou.edu\/westernhowl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1645"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wou.edu\/westernhowl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=24239"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/wou.edu\/westernhowl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24239\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":24271,"href":"https:\/\/wou.edu\/westernhowl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24239\/revisions\/24271"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wou.edu\/westernhowl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=24239"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wou.edu\/westernhowl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=24239"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wou.edu\/westernhowl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=24239"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}