{"id":18033,"date":"2021-09-28T19:34:01","date_gmt":"2021-09-29T03:34:01","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wou.edu\/westernhowl\/?p=18033"},"modified":"2021-09-28T19:34:02","modified_gmt":"2021-09-29T03:34:02","slug":"how-i-would-commit-the-perfect-crime","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wou.edu\/westernhowl\/how-i-would-commit-the-perfect-crime\/","title":{"rendered":"How I would commit the perfect crime"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

I want to commit crime but not get caught, and I finally figured out how <\/em><\/p>\n

Stephanie Moschella<\/strong> | Digital Media Manager <\/span><\/p>\n

There are loads of ways to commit a crime \u2014 from illegally downloading music and jaywalking, all the way to murdering someone; there\u2019s a lot of middle ground that\u2019s uncovered. I\u2019m a pretty average person with no real connection to someone that could easily bail me out of jail, and I don\u2019t really know the legality for literally everything in my life, so I would say that committing any type of crime is pretty much off the table. But I\u2019ve done some not so great stuff here and there, from cheating on tests to flipping people off on the street. However, it\u2019s not like robbing a bank or killing my next-door neighbor\u2019s dog (no matter how annoying it is).<\/span><\/p>\n

I wouldn\u2019t kidnap someone because that seems like way too much trouble for what it\u2019s worth, and like, what am I supposed to do? Keep one of those ugly ski masks on the entire time? And who am I supposed to kidnap? I can\u2019t do children because they\u2019re way too loud and kind of gross \u2014 besides, I know for a fact I would feel way too guilty about it during the whole thing. Then a whole a-s adult? I\u2019m weak, diseased and haven\u2019t properly run since PE during my sophomore year of highschool, so I would become the victim. <\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m also too impatient to rob a bank, or literally anything else. Sure, maybe I\u2019ve stolen a small trinket here and there, but never enough to have my whole life set. If I were to rob a place, it would have to ensure med school, a proper wedding, four kids \u2014 adoption and fostering \u2014 a yacht and a third movie of the \u201cNational Treasure\u201d series. But see, I get fidgety real quick. And imagine someone with an encyclopedia-long list of undiagnosed mental illnesses with a gun, in a room full of people \u2014 yeah, textbook school shooter material. So no, don\u2019t rob a place with someone who has social anxiety. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSo what would be my perfect crime? Well, it\u2019s simple. I break into Tiffany’s at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It’s priceless. As I’m taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It’s her father’s business. She’s Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don’t trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he’s the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocad\u00e9ro. She’s been waiting for me all these years. She’s never taken another lover. I don’t care. I don’t show up. I go to Berlin. That’s where I stashed the chandelier.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

Inspired by \u201cThe Office\u201d season 5 episode 9.<\/em><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Contact the author at digitalmediamanager@thewesternhowl.com<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I want to commit crime but not get caught, and I finally figured out how\u00a0<\/p>\n

Stephanie Moschella | Digital Media Manager<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1094,"featured_media":18034,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","_lmt_disableupdate":"","_lmt_disable":"","_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[25],"tags":[1145,176,175,1144,1143],"class_list":["post-18033","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","tag-digital-media-manager","tag-horoscopes","tag-humor","tag-the-office","tag-the-perfect-crime"],"modified_by":"The Western Howl","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wou.edu\/westernhowl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18033","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wou.edu\/westernhowl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wou.edu\/westernhowl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wou.edu\/westernhowl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1094"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wou.edu\/westernhowl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=18033"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/wou.edu\/westernhowl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18033\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wou.edu\/westernhowl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/18034"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wou.edu\/westernhowl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=18033"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wou.edu\/westernhowl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=18033"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wou.edu\/westernhowl\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=18033"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}