Mount Hood

This week in completely made up horoscopes

Here’s what the signs are doing for the spooky season:

Aries: Taking out their anger with a pumpkin and carving tools. 

Taurus: Why would I walk around to get candy when I could just doordash it? At home, in bed. 

Gemini: having more fun getting ready for parties than the actual parties

Cancer: dressing as a clown and scaring kids to make them drop their candy

Leo: Going to parties as a Canvas to-do list so maybe she’ll finally look at me

Virgo: doing the 24 hour challenge at Spirit Halloween

Libra: Spending all of Halloweekend deciding which scary movie to watch

Scorpio: Calling their mom because they got lost in the corn maze 

Sagittarius: Doing homework while crying.

Capricorn: Probably working, take a break ya psycho.

Aquarius: Plotting the best route for optimal candy collection… and finding a kid to go with as an excuse.

Pisces: Not invited to parties, plotting revenge. 

The signs are ready for the school year to be over

Aries: Screaming into the crusty dorm carpet during their “floor time”

Taurus: Hating group projects, talking to people, listening to people, interacting with people… people.

Gemini: Being asked to put your phone away in class won’t stop your eight hours of daily screen time, but at least they tried.

Cancer: Wanting to go home and cry in the bathtub with a glass of red wine after every school day does not make me an alcoholic

Leo: I’m tired of being the bigger person — time to ghost my group members the way they ghosted me.

Virgo: You should totally go get a little sweet treat. 

Libra: Please DO NOT go to Claire’s to get an impulsive piercing. Please. 

Scorpio: Staying in bed all of  2024… Starting now 

Sagittarius: What a year this week has been.

Capricorn: I’m gonna do what’s called a “pro-gamer move” *has a panic attack*

Aquarius: How many classes can I skip without my professor noticing? The answer is probably none. 

Pisces: Screaming at video games instead of doing homework isn’t a personality trait

This week in completely made up horoscopes

Aries 3/21-4/19 

i’m not even learning anything anymore what am I doing here

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

brb gonna…not be here

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Letting other people have the spotlight doesn’t mean you’re completely off stage.

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

My favorite time of day is when I get to go to bed

 

Leo 7/23-8/22 

el gato :’((((( el gato :-(((((

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Buy yourself some flowers 🙂

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

there’s something special about the shame of buying off-brand

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Why don’t you paint a little picture for yourself?

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

dead inside but still down to party 

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Aggressively helpful…. Not bossy.

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

No think.

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Get a tattoo, you deserve it

Horoscopes! issue 22

Aries 3/21-4/19 

Love and affection. Don’t touch me.

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Dairy, but that won’t stop me from eating a block of cheese

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Boring people. Surround yourself with interesting characters not NPCs that spew filler language.

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Anything and everything in the air. I can’t stop sneezing 5 times in a row.

 

Leo 7/23-8/22 

soy, dairy, nuts, peanuts, gluten, eggs, mint, sorghum, buckwheat and happiness 

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Tap water

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

Among us tattoos give me a rash

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Being unpopular

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

homework

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Slow comput- *BUFFERING*

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

idiots.

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

tears, it’s why i’m constantly crying

 

Horoscopes!

Aries 3/21-4/19 

It’s getting too warm to wear fuzzy sweaters and I am livid

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Already drinking too much coffee every day and it’s only week 2

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Predicting the future by writing the horoscope for your own sign does not actually work

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Treat yo self and go buy those shoes you’ve been looking at

 

Leo 7/23-8/22 

sdnfmdnfmd,fkhejhfjk.gldfjghf

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Give yourself a pat on the back.

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

channeling my inner doja cat and quitting school forever

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

I hope your enemies have a mediocre day. 

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Four inch heels may be uncomfortable, but intimidating everyone you meet is definitely worth the pain

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Screaming should be socially acceptable.

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

I am tired. 

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

instead of doing hw, make some themed playlists instead 🙂

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Halloween comfort movie!

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Halloweentown! 🎃

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Nightmare Before Christmas

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Twitches

Cancer 6/21-7/22

IT — the original

Leo 7/23-8/22

Rocky Horror Picture Show 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Scary Godmother all the way, 10/10

Libra 9/23-10/22

Coraline 💀

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Casper

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Clue

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Beetlejuice — movie and the star

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Edward Scissorhands✂️

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Hocus Pocus

Crack up to these spooky jokes

Hilarious Halloween jokes to rattle the bones

The Western Howl Collective

With the Halloween holiday comes many things — costumes, decorations, scary movies and stories — but it also brings in the chance to tell some fun, themed jokes to make others laugh during the spooky season. Read on to find some funny Halloween jokes and puns we’ve compiled here at “The Western Howl.”

“Do you want to know how to get a significant other during Halloween? You make sure they’re screaming without the s.” 

“Are you a vampire? Cause you’re a pain in the neck.

“The maker of this product does not want it, the buyer does not use it, and the user does not see it. What is it? A coffin.”

“What did the ghost say to their psychiatrist? I used to be somebody.”

“What do you call two witches living together? Broommates.”

“How do you get rid of demons? Exorcise a lot.”

“Where is a skeleton the most ticklish? Their funny bone.”

“Why did the ghost go into the bar? For the Boos.”

“What’s it called when a ghost has trouble with his house? A grave problem.”

“Why didn’t the skeleton go to the scary movie? He didn’t have the guts.” 

“What’s a ghost’s favorite dessert? I-Scream!”


Compiled by The Western Howl staff

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